A few weeks ago, someone said words that pierced my heart deeply. His exact words were… “You know what your problem is, Kat? You don’t really trust God”. I wanted to argue. I wanted to reject that statement. I wanted to pretend like it wasn’t true. But the harsh reality of it was, that it was true.
As a Christian on an 11-month mission trip, that wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear. I wanted to believe that I do trust the Lord. That I do rely on Him for everything and anything. That all my assurance, my hope and my security rested in His name. But when I looked deeply into my heart and spent time seeking the Lord on this statement, I found out that it was so true.
I read a quote the other day that hit home. Hard.
“Often, we will trust God and be strong in our faith if God does it our way. When it’s going smoothly, God is our best friend, but when things don’t, we question if God is listening. Truth is, maybe what you want is not in line with what God knows is best for you”.
That made me stop dead in my tracks. Of course, that described what I have been walking through over the last couple of months. When it’s my way and my timing and my decision, I’m all about it and God is good. But when things don’t go my way and God has something different for me than what I planned, I start to doubt and question the Lord. First step… humility. Who am I to question the plans and timing of Creator of the Universe?
Don’t get me wrong, I do trust God in certain areas of my life but I have struggled to let go of some of the most important ones. I have a very controlling personality. If you’re reading this and you know me or anything about me, you’re probably thinking something along the lines of finally she’s figured it out. I know, it’s taking me quite some time. Be patient with me. But anyways, releasing control to the Lord over the most important areas of my life has been a battle to say the least.
And it’s taking time, lots of time. I’ve been spending hours each week with the Lord asking Him to give me the strength to walk away from the fear and doubt that I hold on to. Simply asking Him to give me the ability to loosen the grip I have on the desires I have for my life, my relationships and my plans. And He has done it, but He has done it His way and not mine. He has taken away most, if not all, of my worldly securities that I trusted in. Those things that made me feel secure or confident in those areas of my life that God wanted me to let go of. They were things that I trusted in rather than trusting in the Lord. What He is doing right now is stripping away all my earthly securities and asking, “do you trust me?”
Letting go is not easy. Handing over control to the Lord and trusting Him wholeheartedly with the people I care about most in this world is not a walk in the park. For me, it has required me to wake up every morning and tell Him that I surrender. That I am clearly not in control, nor have I ever been, and that everything I have and am is His. It took me standing in front of my team, writing down my absolute biggest fear when it comes to these 11 months on the World Race and then burning that piece of paper as my team laid hands on me and prayed for God’s wisdom and direction. It has taken me intentionally praying into things that I thought I have heard Him speak. It’s a day by day journey with the Lord.
Does all of this mean that I’m completely free from doubt and worry? Absolutely not. I’m still human, as flawed and imperfect as the rest of ‘em. There will be days where I want to run back to the Cross and pick up those things that I have left there. Honestly, it will probably take me releasing them to the Lord repeatedly for now. I’m okay with that.
I have come to realize that God already knows how all of this is going to end. I have no reason to fear the unknown because it is known, just not by me. My story is already written; I’m just walking in it.
