Last Night, H Squad got a rare treat. We were able to meet, fellowship, and worship with another World Race Squad. In particular, this was Z Squad, which launched January ’14, and are starting their LAST month on the Race. This was an especially unique time for me, because of the particular squad we were spending time with.
If you have been following my World Race journey from the beginning, or even mostly the beginning, you may remember that Z Squad is the squad that I was originally a member of. When I left Z Squad right before their training camp, I was devastated. I was convinced that no Squad could be as perfect for me as Z Squad. I just KNEW that I was going to be miserable on my new squad.
And to be honest, I was for a while. I went from having a full community in Z Squad to having only enough squadmates to count on one hand. It took a long time for H Squad to finally fill up, and for me to feel like I once again had that full connection and community.
As my journey has continued, I finally went to Training Camp and launched with H Squad, I knew that it was exactly where God wanted me to be. But there was still this reoccurring thought always running in the back of my head. That dreaded “what if” question. What if I had stayed with Z Squad? What if I had stayed with A Squad (which I had transferred to for all of a week, knowing that Papa was calling me to another squad, not realizing that it was a squad launching almost a year later.). Either way, I would have launched in January. Either way, I would be almost DONE with my race, instead of just now finishing Month 2. What would my life look like if I had chosen differently. What if I made the wrong choice? What if.. What if… What if…?
Leading up to this night of worship with Z Squad, I was excited beyond measure. I was so pumped to see these beautiful people that I started out my World Race journey with. I thought of it like a family reunion. But when the time came, and I sat in the auditorium, looking around at Z Squad and H Squad meeting each other and chatting, I felt so awkward. I realized I had NO CLUE who these people were! I don’t know what their struggles are. I don’t know their testimonies, or where Papa has brought them from. I don’t know their love languages, or their favorite way to bond with people. I don’t know these people at all! And for that matter, it seemed that nobody seemed to know me either. No one came running up to hug my neck and tell me all about how they missed me throughout the race. I was very clearly not a part of Z Squad. My heart was broken once again. I felt like I had lost a family all over again. (*Side Note. Someone DID finally come talk to me towards the end of the night, so I wasn’t completely forgotten. This was just at the beginning of the night.)
Looking around the room some more, despite feeling like I had missed out greatly in getting to know and be a part of Z Squad, I realized how much I had gained in H Squad. I realized that I DID know these people. I know many of their struggles, many of their triumphs, what fills their love tanks, and what makes them tick. I know H Squad. H Squad is my family.
But something was STILL missing. And I couldn’t quite figure out what..
Fast forward to a few songs into worship. The worship team starts singing Cory Asbury’s song “Where I Belong”. The lyrics of the chorus say “I’ve finally found where I belong. I’ve finally found where I belong, in your presence. I’ve finally found where I belong, Lord. To be with you, to be with you.”. As I was worshiping, I heard Papa clearly say, that the reason I don’t feel fully at ease in a room with both of my squads is that my heart does not belong to any group of humans. Where I belong is in his presence. Where I belong is to be with him, regardless of who I am with, or where I am in the world. I belong in his presence. Everything else is just circumstance. No more what ifs.
P.S. Shout out to Z Squad. Thanks for an awesome night of worship. Thanks for accepting me a year ago and inviting me into your family. But also thank you for letting me go, knowing that Papa had different plans for me. You will always have a special place in my heart, (though maybe not as big a place as before). I am so excited for all of you: to hear about your experiences here in Nepal, and to see the things Papa has for you next after the Race!
