Music is a big deal for me. The #1 way that I have always connected with God has been through music. And not just christian or worship music; the Lord has spoken to me and I have worshiped him through lines and words from popular songs. And I swear to you, my organs actually move and dance to instrumental and classical music (I’m sure a doctor would tell you that is impossible, but it sure does feel like it!)
And it is not just how I feel or what I hear in the moment with music. I have very specific memories and emotions that are deeply attached to certain songs.
There are songs that my mother taught our church when I was in High School that I will always remember as the songs where I had some of my first deep connections with God and the Holy Spirit.
The song that the congregation was singing as I was backstage preparing to be baptized (as an adult) will always make my heart soar and my feet dance.
There are songs that my church sang almost every Sunday during the hardest, darkest months of my college career, songs about trusting God and never being alone. I remember sobbing my way through worship every. single. Sunday, desperately wanting those songs to be true for me, but not having the faith to believe it was possible. I can now sing those songs as a testimony to where the Lord has brought me, but there is always a quiet mourning in the back of my soul whenever I hear them.
There were two songs in particular that were very popular the year that I was preparing to leave on the World Race… songs asking God to make me brave and to lead me where my trust was without borders. As my squad launched, that was our heart cry. And we can now look back and show you specific places, countries, and lessons where the Lord put our heart cries to the test, and was faithful to provide when we stepped out.
Music is a BIG deal for me. So of course, as I am wading my way through this swamp called “transition”, learning how to adjust to life back in America without forgetting or losing everything I gained this past year overseas. It’s a mess. But the Lord is faithful. And music has been my constant companion.
This last week, I attended a worship service at the church I was a member of the year before I left for the Race. It was a much needed time of soaking in the Lord’s presence, worshiping him with everything in me [knowing that nobody was watching me just because I’m the foreigner]. And the pastor brought the Word and the truth with his usual loving urgency (a delicate balance that he walks incredible well!).
As we were worshiping, we sang two songs back to back that perfectly described where I am at right now. The first was “How Great is Our God”, which sings of, well, how Great our God is! As I sat and meditated on the year that had passed since I had last been in this church- the things I have seen, heard, and experienced- my only response was to worship God and sing of his greatness. For I have seen his greatness all across the world!
But experiencing his greatness all over the world does not always translate into easy trust and boldness when you come back to America and have to live a “normal” life. I am a fickle, very broken human being that has the worst time trusting God in the moment. Yes, I have seen him come through time and time again in the last year, and in the 24 years before that. But that does NOT mean that I fully trust him as a move forward with my next steps. But the Lord is so incredibly gracious, and he knows me so well! So before I could even move into the fear and doubt over the upcoming big changes in my life, he brought me a new song to sing. “You Make Me Brave”. Yes, one of the very songs that was my anthem before leaving for the Race was now being used to urge me on as I stepped into this new phase of life. And he sweetly reminded me of how HE makes me brave. Yes, he calls me out beyond the shore of my comfort zone and into the waves of the unknown, but he also gave me everything I need to do it. I only need to grab hold of the bravery he has already instilled in me.
So here I am. Sitting in the phase of transition. Looking back on this past year and praising him for his greatness. Looking ahead to the future, and desperately grasping for the bravery he promised lives within me. Knowing that through it all, one day down the road, I will hear the songs I sing today and will be moved to memory. And in those moments I will praise God even more for his faithfulness – for then I will know what I don’t know now. I will laugh at how blind I was (am) to what the Lord had (has) in store for me, and I will praise God for what he did (is doing) through this season called Transition.
