Vulnerability/Spoiler Alert: This journal entry contains a side of Kat that most people don’t want see. I am sharing the human side of me. And it’s not pretty. This blog doesn’t fit the stereotypical missionary mold. There are thoughts in here that “shouldn’t” be had by a person called to full-time ministry. But that is kind of the point. I am sharing, because I want people to understand that – yes, I am called to full-time ministry. Yes, I am in the first month of an 11 month Missions contract – But I am also VERY human. And I am still struggling with a lot of things.
But I also find a lot of beauty in the brokeness of people, even (sometimes) myself. Because Papa has this amazing ability to redeem the “un-missionary” like qualities in ALL of us. And so I am sharing this very vulnerable, ugly part of me as a pre-testimony. Because I know that, even when I am resistant and have a bad attitude, Papa is continually pursuing me and drawing out the parts of me that are not of him. So I believe that one day, I will not have days like this… and I want you all to be able to fully rejoice with me when that day comes.
September 23, 2014
One of the hardest parts [for me] of living a life of ministry, and living life in community (especially community that is physically limited in space) are the days when you just aren’t “feeling it”. Of course my first reaction is to gasp at it, and judge myself for being incredibly un-holy. But then the “not feeling it” feeling kicks in stronger, and quite frankly, I just don’t WANT to be holy today!
I don’t want to go to ministry. I don’t want to prayer walk and pray over the city or break down strongholds. I’m tired of having my heart broken for people and places and strongholds, and I just want a break for a day. I want to have the freedom to cash in some “flex hours” and go veg in front of Netflix for the rest of the day. I want to have the freedom to pick and choose which ministry I will take part in, and stick with the things I enjoy and am good at.
And while we’re on the subject of breaks, lets just talk about how I don’t want to be in community 24/7. I don’t want to have to take somebody with me and have one of the team phones JUST to run up the road and grab some street food. I want to have the freedom to choose to be independent and introverted and be by myself. I don’t want to participate in feedback and have to share my feelings with this group of people I’m trying to get away from. I just want to go wallow in my pathetic-ness for a day (or selfishly maybe a few days).
I want to have the freedom to not have to be “all in”, and only be half-committed, even for a day. But the World Race doesn’t give you that liberty.
Walking into this year, we knew we were giving up the freedom of clean toilets, and 3G, unlimited thoughtless supply of clean drinking water, having our own room, sleeping in a bed, having a wardrobe that extends past the 5 shirts and 2 pairs of pants, and 1 skirt that you managed shove into your tiny packing cubes… We knew we were giving up a lot of freedom, but this is the type of freedom that doesn’t necessarily scream adventure. This is the sucky kind of loss of freedom.
But I guess that is the beauty of the World Race too. It forces us to be in places we don’t want to be. It forces us to be all in, even when we don’t feel it. It doesn’t give us the option to participate in ministry only when we feel like it. It forces us to be around community, even when we know it is good for us and that’s why we want to avoid it. It places us in a position where we have lost all the freedom to run away and avoid the things we aren’t comfortable with. It gives us no option but to allow (or in some cases, force) yourself to participate in ministry. It places us in a place that we kind of have no choice but allow Papa to work on us, and to weed out the things in us that crave that former freedom.
Which leaves us with one solitary freedom. Do I want to wallow in my un-holiness, and have a bad attitude about everything I can or can’t do? Or do I want to suck it up and dig in, and know that I will be a better woman on the other side for it?
Quite frankly, I chose poorly today. I chose to wallow. I chose to complain. I chose to not buy in. I chose to have the bad attitude. I chose to be resentful. I chose to take the easy way out. But the ironic thing was that it wasn’t easier. I was miserable… like, ALL FREAKING DAY. And the more I allowed myself to be angry and bitter and wallow in my self-pity, the less and less freedom I felt.
I don’t want that. I don’t to make this choice in the future. I’m sure that the broken, human side of me will still choose it. While I know that Papa can turn people’s lives around in an instant, I know that is not usually how stuff works with me. (I think I’m too hard headed to allow him to do that. But that is a whole other journal entry for a whole other time.) So I know that I will still have to work through this over the next year, and maybe even beyond. But I also want to have this journal entry. To remind myself that I don’t want that for myself. I want to choose to buy in, even when I don’t feel it. I want to take advantage of every hour, every day – both on this race and in life in general. I want to be a better woman, not a bitter woman.
Papa, please help me to give up my selfishness. Help me to lean into you on days when I’m not feeling it. Help me to still have the desire to be “into” you, even when I’m not “into” the ministry or community time that is in front of me. Help me to fall so in love with you and with your people that the thought doesn’t even cross my mind that I don’t want to participate. Instead, give me the drive to participate at all costs, because I know that is the woman you are calling me to be. Help me to love you and honor you above all else. This year – this life – is for you.. Help me to remember that.
