If you asked me to sum up my Project Searchlight Experience in one word, I would tell you “Contradiction”.
Allow me to explain…
Project Searchlight for me has been:
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Exhausting yet Energizing
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Humbling yet Empowering
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Clouded yet brings Clarity
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Draining yet Refreshing
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Outlandish yet Simple
A few of the feelings and emotions that I have felt this week have been uneasiness, excited, prepared (to move into my next phase), totally unqualified (to move into my next phase), confused, certain, tired, energized….. you get the idea. A LOT of contradictions.
At first I was confused and frustrated by that. I am very much an all-or-nothing girl. I want to be fully engaged in something or completely checked out. I hate wishy washy.
Yet here I found myself, on this roller coaster of simultaneously contradictory emotions and feelings. Was that even possible? Was that… Christian?
Jesus himself answered those questions for me. Yes. It is possible. Yes, you can be a Christian and have conflicting emotions. That is the beautiful mystery of life in Christ. That while we will experience hard times and feel icky feelings… we have Christ IN us.. So even while we are working through things, we can still have joy. We can still be energized by his Spirit, even when we are physically exhausted (Like 5 ½ hours of sleep in 2 days, drove 7 hours through the night and then spent the day in sessions and catching up with friends EXHAUSTED!). We can have peace and clarity that all things will work together for His glory, even when the details are confusing or just plain not right. We can have full certainty in Christ, even while we ask hard questions.
And even when we feel things or are doing things that grieve the Holy Spirit, there is grace. When in the 3 weeks since we arrived home we did, thought, said, (or did NOT do, think, or say) things, and we are wondering how we so quickly reverted back to our pre-Race selves, there is GRACE! He welcomes us back with open arms. He lovingly reminds us that there are consequences for our actions, BUT there is no room, NO REASON for guilt and shame. Once we recognize our sin and repent, our slate is wiped clean. It’s just us and him once again. And he gently leads us forward and says, “Welcome back to the path.. learn from that mistake and lets continue this journey we started!”
So let us walk. Let us continue this journey that we started. Let us learn from the mistakes, and in everything else let us enjoy the mystery. Not everything has to make sense. Not everything has to be logical. Not everything has to be black or white, one way or another. We are being redeemed, changed from the inside out. And in the middle of that there will be contradictions. But those contradictions should not be a point of shame and guilt as believer. Instead, let those contradictions be a point of PRAISE, knowing that even in our mess we have Christ and the Holy Spirit. And in our mess and mystery we bring praise and Glory to God.
