The beautiful ability to dream is a gift and a curse at the same time. Our hearts and minds connect on a level to paint a picture in our heads that, we think, fulfills every desire. The expectation that we will have a stable job, that we will live in our own apartment, that we will prove something to someone, that we can “do it all”, that at the end of “this” it’ll be better, that “if I just graduate then this amazing thing will happen”, that one day we’ll get married, and so much more, can consume our thoughts.
We play out scenes like a movie in our head, that, when in reality, would only satisfy us for as long as a movie lasts… like maybe, two hours, or something. Well, maybe a few days. But that’s the thing, our expectations and what we dream up for our lives are only at a capacity that this world can offer.
Expectations have been something at the forefront of my mind since I went to launch. I knew that God wanted me to let go of expectations, but of what, I couldn’t quite place. That is, until today.
Today, I realized I held on to the expectations of what my life would be like or look like after I got home from these 11 months so tightly. I was holding on to hope and happiness of things that weren’t even certain yet.
One of these expectations was shattered today. My long distance relationship with my boyfriend, Matthew, might not be over when I get back from the race; we might have to continue long distance after I return. It felt like I was saying goodbye to him at the airport all over again. There was pain, doubt, fear, and everything else you could think of.
But that’s what happens when our “perfect” expectations are shattered by the reality around us. But when doubt and everything else seeps in, you have to fight back! And I fought! I wasn’t going to let Satan get a foothold because I was exhausted and weak from travel and allow him to use how much I miss Matthew against me. I gave up any all all expectations I had after the race to God and will continue to do that.
The reality is that whatever vision I have in my head of what life will be like when I get back is wrong. Because anything I could ever think of, any expectation, any dream, or vision is only to the capacity that this world has to offer.
And the beautiful thing is that God wants me to have something significantly better than anything I could dream up, and especially more than this world has to offer. He wants to give me everything that will fulfill the true desires of my heart, His love and presence, in accordance with His will. And that, what He will give me, will satisfy me more than anything I could ever chose for myself.
God has a beautiful plan for Matthew and I! Whatever and wherever that may be is going to be magnificent because it was designed by Him and not by Matthew and I.
There is a journey for the next 11 months ahead that I get to go on with God. And there is a journey that Matthew gets to go on with God as well. Whatever happens after today is in God’s hands, and that is all that matters and all that I need to know. I just get to see His beautiful plan for my life unravel.
The same goes for everyone else. Whatever you’re holding onto, whether it be dreaming of the perfect job, wanting the best relationship one day, to be finally accepted by your peers, to finally look a certain way, or anything else, it will not satisfy you in the way our Savior wants to and can satisfy you. The fulfillment in your soul from the Holy Spirit is the only thing you should seek.
So join me in praying that I have the strength to let go of any and all expectations I may have for the race or even afterwards. I believe that in order for God to do big things in my heart on the race, I have to get all these expectations out of the way. Are there any expectations you have been holding onto?
