I’m going to be honest: I’ve spent a lot of time in tears recently. Maybe it’s a combination of being a girl, selling almost all my possessions, quitting my job and generally getting ready to give up the life that I know.
… Whatever it is, I’ve been a complete mess.
(to all of you who have been affected by my craziness, please consider this my public apology.)
I think I've been struggling with why I’ve been called in this direction. Why, as my friends plan wedding showers, have babies and get dogs, I’m sitting here, in a furniture-less apartment, sleeping on the floor and trying to figure out how to fit my life into a backpack.
But, through all the tears, the doubts, and the struggles, I find myself marveling at how my entire journey to the Race has been perfect. How it has so obviously been written by the Lord Himself – the doors that have opened, the doors that have closed, the route I was on and then wasn't, the people I've met through it all. Every bit of it has been so beautifully handcrafted by my Savior especially for me – and I know I'm totally and completely exactly where I'm supposed to be.
In just a few hours, I will be officially unemployed. I will say goodbye to luon, walk out of the store that has been my second home for nearly two years, and step into the complete unknown.
I’m not sure I knew leaving would be this hard.
I’m not sure I knew the breaking of who I am would begin so quickly.
I’m not sure I knew that this would cost me everything.
I'm scared, and I can't really pretend that I'm not. But, I don’t believe the center of God’s will is the safest place to be… I actually think it is the scariest place to be. I think it’s dangerous, I think it’s hard, and I think it often costs us everything. (and I tend to think the apostle Paul would agree with me.)
For the first time, I’m beginning to get a glimpse into what it must have been like for the disciples when Jesus told them to drop their nets, give up everything, and follow Him.
I find myself thinking of the disciples and remembering
That to follow Him means to give up everything.
That He demands all of us.
That following Him was never meant to be easy.
… and that those guys ended up living
some pretty freaking cool lives.
(and I'm pretty sure they shed a few tears along the way, too.)
