Kasie is fearful.
Kasie is not faithful.
Kasie does not put her trust in the Lord.
Those were all very true statements about me when I left the States in October. I was fearful. My faithfulness was seriously lacking. And my trust was firmly and deeply planted in myself. I could give myself what I needed. God was good. And He was great to talk to, but I had the hard things. I didn’t need His help there. The worst part is, I didn’t even realize it. I thought I was good. I thought I turned everything over to Him.
Over the past few months, I’ve really seen how wrong I was. How much I put my trust in myself.
On the race one thing is a guarantee, God will point out the areas you need to grow in. And He will push you in them. But just like in life back home, it’s up to you to take that chance. It’s up to you to turn those things over to Him. A decision I made before I came on the race, was that I would take every opportunity to grow that God offered to me.
So that what I have been working on. Faithfulness in Panama. Trust in Lesotho. Fear in Swaziland. I had them. I had it all figured out. Or so I thought.
South Africa was an amazing month for me. And it wasn’t because of the ocean front condo that we were blessed with.
It was this month that I realized that all three these things are intertwined. These aren’t three separate things I struggle with. They all blend very well into one struggle.
I wasn’t unfaithful because I didn’t believe the Lord wasn’t powerful. I didn’t hold my trust back because I didn’t think the Lord was worthy. And I wasn’t fearful because I believed the Lord wasn’t able to catch me.
I knew He could do all of these things and more. I’d seen it. I had witnessed Him do incredible things. Things that could only be explained by the power of the Lord.
It was in Jeffreys Bay that the Lord revealed the truth to me. The person I wasn’t trusting was myself. I didn’t feel as though I was worthy of the love that I knew the Lord was giving me.
It was also in Jeffreys Bay that I was confronted by one if the interns we worked with. He had a vision that he felt the Lord wanted him to share with me.
I was caught in this circle, and the Lord trying to slowly erase the circle but I was fighting to keep it. I was fighting to keep the life I know and my faith and everything in this circle. But the Lord wanted to show me everything that was outside that circle. Everything he has for me, but I didn’t feel as if I deserved.
I wish I had a nice ending for this, so great revelation that changed everything. But it comes back to this, it’s one more thing the Lord has given me to work on. It has given me a goal to achieve.
Here’s to the next three and a half months. Let’s see where it leads.
Sorry it’s been so long since I have updated. I truly love you all.
