If you read my last blog post you know that Botswana was a hard month for me. I chose to be honest with you all and share the rawness of that month and leave that unredeemed. There is a physical drought in the country of Botswana and it was also a country of dryness for me.
But……
Through all the uncomfortable things and hard things and slow things of this month I had no choice but to talk to God A LOT!
Coming on the race, I stepped out of an environment and community where I was at a similar level of faith to the people around me. Then, I stepped into this beautiful community of people where many are far more advanced in their walks than I am. This…. was very hard. It caused me to doubt myself and my relationship with the Father. Honestly, I was mad because God was not sharing with me the way he was speaking and sharing with the people around me.
I stepped out in vulnerability and shared this weak part of my heart with my squad mentor. When I was still in the DR, month one. I cried. I told her I was a failure. I said I didn’t deserve to be on the trip. I felt broken. I could NOT hear God. What she told me was exactly what I didn’t want to hear…. she said “talk to God about it”. I was thinking in my head “lady I just said I don’t hear him how am I supposed to talk to him about it and get anywhere?” But I smiled and nodded and told her I would try.
So I prayed. I asked God why he doesn’t speak to me. I asked him why he wouldn’t. I asked him to talk to me.
I got nothing!
So I gave up a little. In Haiti and South Africa I prayed but didn’t talk. I thanked God and asked him to look over people and situations. But, I didn’t talk to him. I didn’t tell him what was going on in me.
At mini debrief between South Africa and Botswana I participated in an inner healing session with my leadership. This brought back up the feelings I had in the Dominican. I felt passive in answering the questions I was being led through. I was asked questions such as “what does God say about _____?” And I couldn’t answer it. But I noticed, that in that situation I was able to see visions from God when asked to picture things.
This was HUGE. I realized that I needed to take ownership over what God was telling me (or rather showing me). It wasn’t that God wasn’t talking to me it was that I was trying to put Him in a box and tell Him how to speak to me. When I slowed down to pay attention I realized…. God talks to me in visions!
So then Bots was hard. In that time I was able to talk to Papa and ask him so many things I had been wondering about for so long. Once I knew to ask for vision I got to actually talk to God—to ask Him specific questions and receive visional answers.
So while Botswana was in a drought my spirit was overflowing with the Living Water that is Christ in me. Praise for that!! ????
Papa,
Thank you for speaking to me! Thank you for showing me specific answers to specific questions. I am so sorry I doubted You for not speaking to me when You were trying to show me all along. I am so grateful for Your grace for me and my frustration. Your determination to continue to talk to me even when I don’t recognize it is amazing. I can never be thankful enough for Your love, perseverance, grace, and fullness! Thank you Lord! Thank you Lord!! In Your son Jesus Christ’s name AMEN.
