Abba,
This morning, Charlie, one of the friends I’ve made this month, turned to me during church and gave me a word. He said, “Don’t hold it in.”
As soon as he said it, those words hit me like a ton of bricks.
I feel like I’ve been holding it in for such a long time here. I have all of these things hidden deep inside of me and I don’t exactly know how to get them out, but all I know is, I want it out.
I want to know you more. I want to experience your love again. I want to be confident in who I am. I feel like I am battling with my flesh, my desires to be in this world… comfortability, money, security, friends, fitness, all of it. But I know I need to trade in my selfishness for your desires and your will and not my own.
I need to trust that what you have for me is best and that I am secure in you. I need to know how to love and be loved by you.
When we started the race, the team began by getting to know each other, learning our strengths, desires, and passions and even now I feel like there is so much more to know about the girls on my team.
But have my actions reflected this desire to be fully bought into this mission and my girls?
They want to know me, love me and help me see you… but have I really put in every effort to get to know them? Do I show love to everyone I meet? When did I trade in your love for selfishness?
I ask for transformation in my heart. Capture my heart again! I pray you take my selfishness, anxiety, desires and fears. Change whatever is in me that does not cry out for more of you! Open my heart again to expect you. Help me discover what love looks like.
I cannot become bitter, selfish and alone. So I cry out to you, Lord, with your mighty hand, reach down and save me from complacency, comfortability and neglectfulness.
I want to hear you whisper in my ear, “My daughter, I love you.” So draw me in. I am listening. Take me, refine me, mold me, grow me.
I surrender.
I am ready to lose everything for your Kingdom.
Karyn.
The world race will not fix you.
In fact, the world race is probably more like a marriage, in that the things inside only come out more… for better or for worse. Every day holds the opportunity to run away or to buy into the process of transformation.
Every day is a choice. Reactions, relationships, words and prayers are a choice. Caring for others, growing, and learning is a choice.
I have not always chosen to buy into this journey… it’s a hard choice, but it is one that I have to face every day. When life is hard, when I am being impatient, when I want what I want, I have to choose. I have to choose love, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. (Galatians 5:22-23)
I kept imagining today what it would have been like if Jesus didn’t “buy in” to the mission He was sent for on the day He was betrayed, captured and crucified. He could have said no that day, but He didn’t.
You see, the difference between Him and me is that His love is unconditional… period. He didn’t assess how He felt about humanity that day and say “ehhh not today, its a day for me to get what I want and to be selfish.” If He had, life today would look a lot different.
Jesus, being who He was didn’t waiver in His love for me. So why does my love for others waiver? Why don’t I buy in every day?
The truth is that we are still growing, still learning and there are a lot of choices ahead of us.
What will you choose?
As you can see I am also coming up on a financial deadline! I am about $3,400 short of fully funded! I am trusting that God will provide and I hope you will consider joining with me on this journey! The little button at the top that says “support me” will lead you straight to a donation page for Adventures in Missions. All donations are tax deductible and greatly appreciated!
