A season of change. Lot’s of change. Graduating high school, family changes, fixing to leave the country for almost a year. A season of waiting for the uncomfortable to happen. I normally do really well with change. I am a pretty adaptable, easy-flowing, bounce back type of gal. But for some reason, this particular season of change is different from the most. It’s been hard. The Lord has been exposing a lot of my weaknesses and struggles. It’s been overwhelming. It’s caused a shift in my walk with the Lord. Basically, the Enemy has really been using this season, and to be totally real. It sucks.
Lately, I’ve been realizing how distant I have gotten from God. I’ve been quick to anger, without realizing the way I am acting and treating others in the moment. My attitude towards a lot of things has been negative. Going through the motions. A lot. My patience towards people and things is extremely low. I haven’t been surrounding myself with a community of believers, or going to church. I’ve been isolating myself, a lot. I have been acting extremely selfish, and sensitive.
All of this scares me. With the Race approaching, so. quickly. it is SCARY. I want to be in the right mental state, with the right heart. And, like I said earlier- oh, how the Enemy has been working. I can tell that my relationship with the Lord isn’t consistent or good right now because of the way I have been acting. It just proves to me that I need Jesus. ALL the time. Not only when I am feeling like it. Not only when I am energized. It’s been showing me that I can’t use my exhaustion from the business of all of these changes as an excuse to not prioritize the Father. Because I know I pull that one all the time, and know so many of you do, too.
Life, lately, has honestly been super hard for me. One of the reasons being is I internalize everything, because I feel like a burden to others. I don’t want to annoy anyone with the problems I am dealing with. I need to seem strong and like I have it all together. Emotions scare me. I don’t like being sad or feeling yucky. SO- I internalize everything and try to ignore my struggles. Which, long story short, is no bueno, makes it worse honestly. 0/10 recommend. And that is why I am here, writing this. Practicing opening up more, and being vulnerable in what I am facing. Learning to use my voice and my own problems, to help others, in what they could be facing, to let others know they are never alone.
So, yeah. Life has been hard. My entire senior year has been a struggle. I have been overloaded with homework, college classes, photoshoots, World Race stuff, a job (throwback but still relevant), having a lot of family/home responsibilities, dealing with issues from the past, changes in my entire family dynamic. Along with trying to maintain my freedom and personal life. It has not been easy. And it’s been even harder, having to do *a lot* of it on my own. But, despite all of it, the Lord has revealed to me so much through it all, causing a ton of growth within myself, and even others close to me. And, with all of that being said, I am so grateful. Because through all of this chaos, I have learned so much more than I could have imagined.
What I have learned:
-I am loved! And nothing I could ever do can change that.
-The Lord is everything. And I do not want to ever know what it’s like to be without Him.
-Always prioritize the Father, despite what is happening in my life. Whether it be a few minutes of worship, 5 minutes of quiet time, journaling, getting in the Word, or just praying throughout your day.
-I am not a burden. My feelings are valid, and I deserve to be heard.
-I don’t have to act strong and happy all the time. (And people should not expect that of me!)
-I NEED community.
-Be slow to anger, and quick to love. Despite the issues I am facing, (again).
AND a lot more, but that’s what I will share for now. This blog was everywhere, but I was just typing with the flow of my heart, and that’s okay. I just needed you to know that it’s okay to be vulnerable, and it’s okay to not be okay, AND there is always something the Lord is trying to teach you in every season. (Listen!)
Prayer requests:
My heart, mind, body, and soul’s entirety! That I will be prepared and equipped for the World Race. That I will throw out the negative things the Enemy is telling me, and never let him win. That I can positively handle these current changes in my life. That I will allow myself to feel. AND, for funds! That I will be fully funded before time of launch.
THANK YOU.
