These past couple of weeks, it has been so hard for me to write a blog, because I just want to write something meaningful and worthy to be read. I want it to be a blog that has depth, and it isn’t just a lukewarm blog. But, these past couple of weeks, that’s been hard for me. I’ve felt like I haven’t anything that’s emotional or a story in ministry that is a beautiful, life-changing experience, and that was hard for me, until I realized the beautiful story that is happening within me that God is the author of. I am a work in progress, while getting the opportunity to be a vessel for the Lord. But, despite the Lord allowing me to be used, He’s also using those around me as a vessel for Him, for a work in me.
With that being said, I am going to do the best I can in sharing with you guys what’s been happening in my heart. The best way, in this season, for me to describe the World Race, is with the word “rollercoaster”. I am learning consistency, in so many areas of my life. I am learning how to not let my emotions or my circumstances affect the way I am treating others, or allowing it affect the way I am acting. I am learning that the uncomfortable is beautiful. I am learning that even when ministry is hard, it’s rewarding. With this opportunity, He’s allowing me to meet His beautiful children, I am getting to see His faithfulness through my ministry, and His faithfulness through the people there, and He’s just allowing me the room to grow in my perspective, of what use to not look like beauty to me become what looks the most beautiful. He’s changing my perspective of ministry in a way that looks like this- ministry is a glorious thing, that I should be filled with gratitude for, ministry is not a burden for me. How selfish of me to ever think anything I am doing in this life is about me? Self-sacrifice, goodness, has the Lord been teaching me the concept of this or what. Through everything I just said, I think self-sacrifice may be the solution to it all. Learning to be obedient in who and what He’s called me to. Just beginning to grasp the limits Jesus would go to for the sake of God’s kingdom, the most selfless man to live. God is constantly revealing to me all of the ways I have been so selfish, so incredibly silly to think some of the things I do, how silly it is to think I am deserving of anything in this life. I was reading through 1 Timothy the other day, and I read in chapter 6, verse 7, “We brought nothing into this world, and we certainly cannot take anything out.” For some reason, it just really stood out to me. It became so relevant in what I have been learning about selfishness, in the sense that, I am literally nothing without Jesus, I am nothing. So, therefore, why am I acting with such an attitude of “deservingness” or an attitude of “convenience”. There’s no such thing. There is no such thing as convenience when people’s lives are at stake, when these people who have not heard or accepted Jesus are at risk. Growing up in American culture, we become so oblivious to this kind of attitude and mindset. We don’t even realize it we have it, because for most Americans, that is all they know— “me, me, me”. I had no idea this is how I lived, until I came on the Race. Gosh, God has been teaching me, and so many of the girls I am living with how far American culture is twisted, and the affects it has had on us as Christians. It’s “you do you, boo” or “whatever makes YOU happy”, basically, it’s just all so egotistical. It’s caused me to live so backwards, and caused me to have such an unhealthy mindset, that has brought so much discomfort and conviction to me since being on the field. What a revelation this has all been to me. What a hard, and challenging, and uncomfortable revelation its been for me. God is moving, you guys. In so many ways that we consider as small, but how wrong is it to ever think anything the Lord does as small. So basically, just here to say, that He is moving in big ways, that we don’t even catch so often.
Reverse back, a little bit, and I want to explain some of the circumstances and instances that have caused me to become much more aware of my self-absorbed lifestyle, and mindset. First thing first- communal living. The first month I’d say was easy enough, I think it was because most of us were still in the “honeymoon phase”, but fast forward to now, almost done with month 2 in a few days, it’s become harder to say the least. It’s complicated and it can be really frustrating if you’re not in the right heart posture, and if your main focus isn’t Jesus. There’s 25+ different personalities and different perspectives living together, and not only living, but together 24/7. There’s noise at basically all times of day, besides early, early in the morning. There’s 1 bathroom for 25+ girls, if that tells ya anything. We’re all on different walks in our faith. We have to constantly choose one another, and choose to love one another, and also choose to understand each other’s hearts. There’s not much alone time, which can make it tough, but also beautiful because you’re faced with reality by having those around you constantly seeking what’s going on and how you are doing. But, through it all, I’ve seen such wonderful things, and I feel heard, and I feel seen. My heart has grown so fond of these women around me. Seriously, I love them with my entire heart. They have seriously become my family, which I love. But, everyone knows, families have ups and downs, despite the unconditional love between them, and that’s us. Another thing that I’ve learned about selfishness ties into the struggles of communal living, but also discomfort, and also a tad bit of discontent. Having those three combined, without ever having a chance to process it or taking any time to rest and just sit with what was happening in my heart, made for an unhealthy time. Where all I was concerned about was my own self. It led me to be negative about ministry, negative towards those around me, short-tempered, basically just affecting the way I was looking at things, and treating people. I was really focused on things back at home, because stuff had come up with my mom that I had been really consuming myself with, along with going through a phase of worrying and stressing about what my future would look like, the Lord has also been revealing to me that I still have a lot of healing to do and that’s been hard in itself, also just having a bad heart posture and wanting to be back home where I was comfortable and I could choose who I wanted to be around and I could choose what I wanted to do and when I wanted to do it. I was seeking comfort, my mind was completely else where, not embracing this place I’m in, nor the ministry I was at, my attitude towards ministry was all about “convenience”, and I was not choosing these ladies around me.
There’s been so much happening around me that is influencing me in so many different ways, and different people pouring into me, and there’s just incredible water flowing from the banks, and I truly can’t believe this is my life. I can’t believe that the Lord is using me, even when he doesn’t need me but because he wants me to be a vessel for him. These things I just shared, I am still learning. And they are still dang hard, to say the least. It’s learning to transition your mindset to a totally new mindset than you’ve ever known, or maybe you have known, but you just hadn’t fully comprehended yet. And, that’s completely where I am at. Knowing these things, but actually putting them into practice, and learning to fully embrace a life that looks like Jesus. But, what an incredible thing it is to have a God constantly transforming your heart to make you look more like Jesus, and constantly renewing your heart and mind. How incredible is it to have a God who has mercy on me when I fail at those things. It’s FREAKING incredible. I can’t believe we get to serve such a glorious Father, who cares about us and cherishes us.
Lastly, I just want to give a thank you again to all of my amazing supporters, my amazing prayer warriors, and to the amazing people in general. Thank you for just loving me, and walking alongside this journey with me. A word of encouragement for you guys— I hope through this, you are getting to learn, as well, and I am hoping the Lord is also working in your heart. Allow Him in, He is waiting for you with open arms! He wants a relationship with you, He loves you, and He calls you worthy. Never forget that.
P.S. I am going to Cape Town over my birthday, if you feel led to, and if anyone would be willing, to donate and help me have a little bit of fun on my birthday, along with just having a little bit of extra cash to get by for these 9 months. My heart is for you, and I LOVE you guys. <3
Venmo: @karsoncalaway <33
