Humbled, down on my knees, crying out, tears running down my face, uncertainty, peace, chin up, feeling weak, vulnerable, in need of my Abba. It’s crazy to think just two weeks ago this was the state I was in. That two weeks ago I was sitting on this same rooftop in El Salvador face down on the floor as I lay broken in the arms of my Father. I would be lying to you if I said my heart didn’t drop when I found out my brother was in the ICU, that I never cried, that I never was scared or fearful. I think it is natural to experience those things when a family member isn’t doing well. However, it wasn’t until I sat in the presence of my Heavenly Father, raw, naked, exposed, vulnerable and said God we can’t do this without you that I truly felt He was in control. You see, I told you guys I would be transparent with you, which means you don’t only see the end result of the process I go through with the Lord. It took hours of just crying out to God, on my knees, battling questions of doubt and fear before I finally reached the point of putting on a brave face, confident that God was going to work this out for His good.
The night before I left, my team and I did a listening prayer (basically what this is is sitting in silence and just listening to God for the other person without knowing what that person is praying about or needs to hear. You just listen and then tell them what you got from God when they’re ready. Sometimes you will get things and it will be confirmation and other times you may not get anything, that’s okay). One of my team mates later came up to me and said she saw my presence and being there for my brother is what it would take for him to start getting better (No pressure!!). So after a lot of battling with God if I should stay on the missions field or go home I finally packed my bags and hopped off the plane at LAX (with a dream and my cardigan).
One of the first things my mom said to me was how crazy it was that as soon as my brother heard I was coming it seemed like he started to turn the corner. He slowly began to make improvements and get stronger! (God’s so crazy in fulfilling what He says. On that note! *rabbit trail* One of the reasons why I wanted to launch in January rather than October was because I wanted to be home for Christmas and New Years. However God just told me to trust Him about going in October so I surrendered those holidays this year for Him. Although I wish the circumstances were different, I actually did get to be home for those holidays because I was willing to give them up! The Lord knows the desires of our hearts and delights in giving us things if we are willing to hold them loosely. If we grab on to things too tight then He has no room to work with them, but if you give Him everything I guarantee you He will hand it back to you more beautiful then when you gave it to Him. Because if I would have launched in January then yes, I would be home for Christmas and New Years, but I don’t know if I would have been able to leave without knowing what I’m going back to. Also it was such a coincidence that the day I left to be reunited with my team is the day I would have flown out for January launch. Crazy! Okay that’s all for my rabbit trail)
So anyways, flash forward two weeks…. I am still humbled, still down on my knees, still at peace, still in need of my Abba, still on the same rooftop and still in awe of my Creator.
I can guarantee you I will have my moments of crying out to Him in the future, I will still have feelings of uncertainty and I will still at some point be completely broken in front of Him. That is just a part of life. It’s crazy. It’s unpredictable. It has good days. It has bad days. But you don’t have to do it alone. I know moving forward that no matter what the situation is, no matter how big or how small it may seem, that my God is able and my God is in control. I can now finally understand Proverbs 31:25, “she is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come.” Because no matter what the enemy may try to throw at me or my family I can just laugh because as long as I have the Lord fighting my battles it’s not even a fight.
