Dark. Alone. Miserable. Angry. Frustrated. Lonely. Incomplete. Not enough. Tired. Fake.
Ever felt like that? This past year I have felt consumed by darkness. Every morning when I was getting ready for work or school, I felt like darkness was choking me, trying to drown me throughout the business of my day. I had very little passion to do anything, and I mean
anything. I felt like a horrible person because I knew I was so absorbed by darkness. I felt down about everything and it showed. My personality changed and those who know me could see through my fake smile. I went from being this crazy bubbly outgoing girl, to a girl who complained about everything and got mad about anything. No matter what people did or how hard they tried, I was shut up inside and there was really nothing anyone could do for me. There were days I would hope that this feeling would eventually end and I would truly believe that I would be happy again and days when I just didn’t care. I have never been that unhappy for that long.
But a word that I love, an action, a term that describes all of our lives, something that we all have in common steps in: change. Something that none of us can escape or predict occurs. A transformation within my heart, an adjustment in attitude takes place.
I realized today that since October when I applied for this trip, kind of on a whim I’ll admit, all that darkness has been fading away. My friend Narissa, a total prayer warrior for me, told me that she truly believed that everything that took place this past year, broken relationships, bad times at work, regretful words shouted to my family, has all been so that God could break me and bring me to this place. I had an amazing day today. My Uncle Scott and Auntie Joanne made a very generous donation towards my trip. I have not been worried about the money at all. I have always had peace that God will provide. Work knows that I am looking for lots of shifts and have given me more than I could ask for. People have been noticing my change in attitude and it feels good to know that I am doing a good job there. Relationships are being restored. I am HAPPY again!! It feels amazing!! I am so excited about the next 6 months, the next year, the next 2 years because I know that God is by my side and he always has been. Even through all of this stuff I knew in my heart that no matter what, I needed to be in continual worship for God. I needed to lift my hands up to him, even when my head was asking me why. I tried to make excuses so that I would not have to go to church, but in the end I always went. And for that I am so grateful because the changes and the transformation that I was to go through this year brought me to here and now. This relationship we are in with God is 2 sided-it just happens to be that God is always there-he never leaves-we do. Took me 22 years to realize that.
I praise God for the constant blessings that he is pouring upon me as we speak. I praise him for change-the good and the bad kind. I praise him always and forever.
Tonight, they’re burning the roads they built to lead us to the light.
And blinding our hearts with their shining lies,
while closing our caskets cold and tight. But I’m dying to live.
-Dashboard Confessional
Just hang in there.
