Since committing to the World Race in May, I haven’t really stopped to think of all it’s many implications. I never once thought about what it would be like to live outside of the United States. Not having access to modern conveniences 24/7 or just plain old being uncomfortable, hot, and altogether out of my element. It was not something I ever stopped to process. All I knew was God had called me and I was going to say yes, no matter what. Oh, yeah, sure, It sounds like a very faith driven thing to do but the real truth of the matter was I was ignoring my fear. Forcing it back down where hopefully it would never rear its ugly head again. I knew If I thought about it too long I would panic, pack up my bags and head straight back into my comfort zone. Which is why I decided to pretend all was perfect! That is until Training camp hit me.
Training camp completely blew my mind, I had literally no idea what I was in for and the only thing I did know was that I would be sharing this mysterious “training camp” with a group of strangers. Once actual TC started it became very clear to me that this roaring beast of fear and insecurities would not stay neatly tucked away. I was scared, and there was no denying it. Everything I heard about the mission field scared me. Not being able to constantly communicate with my family, sickness, ministry, living in community it all became so daunting and so real. These were no longer struggles that World Racers face, but now sitting at camp, I was that World Racer and these were the issues I would be facing.
It was in that moment I realized what I was actually afraid of and it was in this moment that I realized I was not prepared. I was not prepared to admit that I had an issue with God. I was not ready to admit that for so many years the constant truth I believed was that God was a healer, a provider, a comforter and a friend. Just not my healer, my provider, or my comforter and friend. See the truth was I was not just afraid of being away from family, I was afraid that the Holy spirit wouldn’t comfort me or be there for me when I needed a friend. I was not just afraid of sickness I was afraid that in the midst of sickness God would heal someone else but not me. Ultimately, I was afraid that God was not as invested in our relationship as I was. I thought I had a legitimate reason to fear all these things because I knew he wouldn’t come through for me.
What is so wonderful and crazy about TC is that although I did come face to face with these fears and lies God came face to face with me. Every step of the way the Holy Spirit began to show up. For every lie he exposed, he gave me a new truth to hold onto. He meet me in the very places I thought he wouldn’t. He healed me from my past and continues to do so, he Comforted me on nights when sleeping in a tent or outside away from family got lonely. He showed me that his voice has always been present. The Holy Spirit has always spoken to me even though I believed he wouldn’t. He reminded me that I am not the only one invested. He is not just my beloved, but I am his. He is invested, he will never leave me nor forsake me. These words are no longer words I quote from scriptures. But they are real because I have experienced them. Through it all, slowly but surely, fear is becoming strength and freedom. I know that whatever will come this year I will be okay because I trust that he will come through for me because He is my assurance.
