After a week of praying, seeking God and coming to terms with the fact that we could not go into our fifth country because of an earthquake, our contacts from Nepal requested that AIM send teams to them. WE ARE FREAKING OUT in the best way possible. There are so many reasons to have fear going into the unknown, especially after team changes, but God is equipping and preparing all of us to go in head first. We arrived in Kathmandu yesterday and I’m already in love with this place. Our squad will be doing anything and everything to minister to the people here and literally be the hands and feet of Jesus: rebuild churches, homes, give out water, pray, preach, cry with people, give clothes, etc.
There has also been a shift in my race. One I did not expect or want. In addition to all that has happened, month five on the race is known for mandatory team changes and the choosing of new squad leaders. We all knew it was inevitable and I was prepared to be on a new team of seven members for our next assignment. Even though several people had mentioned to me that they would want or could picture me squad leading, I did not want to be a leader because of selfish reasons and resisted any talk of it. A squad leader’s role shifts from focus directly to serving a ministry, to being a support for the entire squad. To lead by example, challenge and be emotional and spiritual support for every member of the squad. They are not on a team of seven, but of four in our case. I love our former squad leaders and they are seriously so life-giving and encouraging to our squad. I just want to be that. Even with all my insecurities about leading and not feeling equipped and not wanting to lead because it would completely change the focus of my race, I wrestled with God, cried a lot and said “yes.” I knew he was calling me to this and in hindsight, I can see how he placed random circumstances and conversations in my path to prepare me for this next season. He is so sweet and actually answered every one of my prayers and the desires of my heart, just in a different package than I expected. (You think I would learn by now to not have expectations.) As soon as I agreed, I not only had peace, but I’m excited to lead with these friends (Teresa, Emily and Mason).
The last few months, God has given me the picture of Him being Lover of my Soul and a Romancer to me. Which is particularly sweet because I have never dated and really don’t know what that looks like. When I think of a guy romancing a girl, I imagine him buying flowers for no reason, leaving sweet notes, putting a coat around her when she’s cold, holding hands, etc. Ways that God romances me is by beautiful weather, sunsets, sweet Gospel conversations with strangers, talking in prayer in the mornings, and hearing/answering the things I deeply desire. So, He when I was asked to squad lead, God gave me this sweet picture of what He was doing for me. Bear with me:
It’s a normal day and a husband surprises his wife with a gift. (In my family, we call those “Happy Nothing Day” gifts.) She opens with no expectations because there is no occasion to receive a gift, and it’s a pool float. Reluctantly, she says, “Thaaaaaaanks. That’s sweet, but we don’t have a pool.” Then a week later, he takes her outside and there is a huge, underground pool in her backyard. Now it makes sense. He gave her a sweet, unexpected gift, knowing the big picture. She got a pool float but didn’t even know that she was going to need one because she didn’t know the bigger gift coming ahead.
As I get up every day and know that it is only God’s grace that I need to live fully and be successful, I pray this prayer over and over. This is my journal entry from the day I agreed to this new role and the same day we found out we were entering the unknown of Nepal:
“Go before me. I know You already have. I know this was your plan all along. I need You every day. I need Your grace. I need Your love. Use me, Lord. Push me to look more like you and chisel, bust, wipe, mold everything that is Karissa away to look like You. Help me to not be what the squad needs, but to beYou with skin on. Help me to be more selfless. Refine me.
Give me grace when I don’t have it left.
Give me strength when I’m weak.
Give me rest when I’m exhausted.
Give me patience when I’m annoyed and short-tempered.
Give me joy when my squad has none.
Give me fun when we need a break.
Give me faith to trust You more.
Give me wisdom to discern and hear Your voice.
Help me to say “yes” when my mind is screaming “no!”
Help me to love from the inside overflowing to the outside.
Help me make you proud.”
