I came on the World Race, searching. I was searching for God. I was longing to rediscover and rekindle my relationship with Him. You see, somewhere along my journey in the last few years I lost something. When I was younger I had an incredible relationship with God. I was so in love with Him. It seemed like I could never get enough of Him. I always felt that Jesus was sitting down next to me, I could always feel His presence, and we literally had two-way conversations. I could talk, and immediately, God would respond. He would speak to me, and I always knew exactly what He was saying. But, somewhere along the way the romance died off. I stopped hearing from God. I stopped feeling His presence. I stopped knowing what He was saying or what He wanted me to do. And I felt lost.
When everything stopped I didn’t know what to do. It felt like I’d lost my best friend. I went from clearly hearing God’s voice to hearing nothing at all. And I don’t know why. I don’t know what exactly changed. But it did. So what happened next? I kept chasing God. I kept pursuing Him. I went back to the last thing I knew He clearly revealed to me: ministry. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that God had called me into ministry. I continued to worship God, even when He felt a million miles away; I continued to chase Him. I continued to lead God’s people in worship. I continued to invest in people, to disciple them, to build Godly relationships, to study hard, to learn everything I could about God, about His Church, about ministry. I didn’t give up. Trust me, so many times I wanted to give up. So many times I wanted to throw in the towel and be done with God, the Church, ministry and anything that had to do with those things, but I kept persevering.
So now where am I? I’m on the World Race. When God “called” me here, it wasn’t in the manner that I was used to. He didn’t reveal Himself to me in some supernatural way. I just simply knew that this was what God had for us. I could go through the whole system of lining it up with Scripture, that we knew we were to leave our church no matter how much we loved it there, that Jesus calls us to do radical things, even though what we call “radical” Jesus calls “normal”, but that could take too long, and you can just read the “About Us” section if you want to know more. So, here I am, on the World Race. How is my relationship with God? Simply, it feels distant.
My time on the Race has been difficult and frustrating. I came wanting to draw near to God, to rediscover Him, but that has not really happened in the way that I wanted. It has been frustrating in that, while I am happy for all of the people on my squad who have been experiencing God in so many incredible, spiritual ways, I have not. I have been able to look around and see people freely worshiping God, hearing from the Spirit directly, knowing exactly what God is telling them, and it is so evident that God is so alive in their lives. Don’t get me wrong, I am overjoyed for those people. I think it’s incredible! I love that God is being so personal with them. He’s just not being that way with me, and that’s difficult because He used to be that way.
(Sidenote, and this is not to convince others to change their beliefs on this matter, this is simply what I believe: I completely agree with you that God still speaks to us today through His Word, and that we know everything God wants us to know to follow Him and lead a Godly life. But, I don’t believe that God is limited to just His written Word. There is nowhere in the Bible that I can think of that says that God no longer speaks to us audibly, in visions, in prophesies, or otherwise. I completely believe that God can and does continue to manifest Himself in any way He chooses. I know, because I have experienced it. I have heard Him. I have seen Him in so many ways being manifested. Again, I am not trying to convince others to change their beliefs systems. I’m only encouraging you and challenging you to come to God with open hands and open hearts, and don’t be so quick to put God in a box.)
Ok, back to the discussion at hand. When we were in South Africa, the second month, something happened, something radical: God spoke to me. He spoke to me as plainly as if He was sitting on the rock right next to me having a conversation. I felt that I could just reach out and touch Him. Sounds great, right? Yes, and no. The last time I felt God that close, the last time I heard His voice, I was 19, and He simply told me to “Wait. Persevere, do the ministry, and wait.” Now, here I was, 8 years later, and guess what God told me: “Wait.” That was it, and then He was gone. One word, the moment I’d been waiting for for so long, and that was it.
So, now here I am in India, waiting. But I’ve learned something through this waiting, something I learned a long time ago but have been reminded of: just because we’re waiting on God doesn’t mean that we are to simply wait on God. I have been asking myself this question: What if God never spoke to me again? First, let me say that I believe that God still speaks to His people and that He wants to speak to His people. He wants to be near to His people. He wants that intimate relationship. But, if God never chose to speak to me again, would that change anything? That wouldn’t change anything about God. He is the Creator and Sustainer of all of creation; He is Lord and Master; and if He chose never to speak to me again, then He is completely in His rights to do so. Who am I to say that Almighty God has to speak to me? (Again, I believe He wants to, but I’m simply making a point.) What if God chose not to manifest His Spirit in my life? What if I never actually felt the presence of God ever again? Would that change anything about God? Absolutely, not! Should that change anything about my relationship with God? Again, I think not.
So, I have made a conscious decision while here. Just because I once heard God speak to me, just because He used to be so intimate in my life, doesn’t mean that He will choose to be that way once again, but it also doesn’t mean that He won’t. The romance dies off sometimes. So what will you do about it? Will you sit and wait and wonder what you did wrong, wonder what happened? Or will you fight and persevere? That’s how a relationship works. When the romance is over, the relationship still continues. So I’ve decided, even if God never speaks to me again, I will not give up on God. I will not sit and wait. I will pursue Him, I will fight, I will thrive, I will worship, and I will chase after Him with all that I am, while I am waiting on Him. So, what are you doing as you’re waiting? Are you sitting, or are you running the race?
