Over the last few days, something has been happening inside of me that I cannot explain. I can pinpoint what it is or even when it began. Currently I'm in a place where I simply cannot articulate what's going on within me.
In a way, I've been feeling stir-crazy and unsettled …
Several days ago, I began reading a book entitled, "Red Moon Rising". It talks about how 24-7 prayer is awakening a generation.
Actually, considering that I started reading this book, I shouldn't be surprised by what I'm feeling and experiencing. It's actually no coincidence at all that I'm experiencing the exact symptoms the book discusses:
"He may begin to trouble and disturb your soul …" Red Moon Rising
Yup, He is!!
Well, I guess God wants to do something in me – He's troubling and disturbing my soul to the very core. He's been confronting me with the reality of my current state – discontentment in the status quo, I simply want more out of my relationship with Jesus – Movement, however, is just around the corner, I can feel it.
"There is NO movement is our lives until we are confronted with the reality of our current state." Red Moon Rising
God, I sense you working on my heart. You are doing something inside of me – I cannot clearly explain how I feel – even to you. I don't know what I'm experiencing. All I know is the discontentment I feel swirling inside of me. All I know is how desperate I am for MORE of you, Lord. My greatest desire in life is to know that you are with me!
"The truth of the matter is that I'd rather be unhappy and know God is with me than be happy, comfortable, and unsure of God's presence!" Red Moon Rising.
I want you Jesus! That's all I've ever wanted and that's all I want now. Jesus, I am happily married to you – I don't need anyone besides you. I want to live life fully and completely surrendered to you; I often fail at this Lord, help me recognize my shortcomings and help learn to truly surrender to you and your will. I want to know beyond a doubt that I am seizing the moment, that I am smack dab in the middle of your plan for me! That's why I came on the World Race – I thought it was through the race that I would live the crazy, exciting life but I think I've become comfortable. Living for you Jesus became comfortable, I've become lazy, and formed a routine. It's become easy to serve you without really seeking you or loving you completely. I don't give myself over to you at all times. The danger associated with following you isn't there anymore – I take the easy way out of things – I don't put myself in harms way to do your work – I don't take risks. The thrill of traveling long since left and the excitement associated with ministry has disappeared. This life has become about me instead of you. You should be at the center of things. Have I moved you from your holy and righteous position?
Father, I have traveled the world looking for you, but you've always been with me. I often don't recognize your presence or invite you into my day. I truly want you to guide and direct each step I take. I don't want to do anything unless you tell me to move.
God, straighten out my priorities. Help me see you the way I should. Help me recognize what I've placed on your throne in place of you. Once I know what it is, enable me to take it down and put you back where you deserve to be.
Karen, my beloved daughter, you are living in the center of my will for your life. I haven't moved from you. I have always and will always be with you. If you don't feel my presence, then it is you who has moved. Keep your focus and attention on me. When you feel far away, simply say my name. If you desire the danger and thrill that's often associated with following me, take more chances. Step out in boldness, knowing that I'm not only with you but will also protect you. I nudge you to speak my words or to do what I would have you do, but many times you let the moment or opportunity pass. My future plans for you are somewhat dependent on how well you end this season – I want you to experience and learn all I have for you. End with no regrets. Take chances. Speak boldly. Pray fervently. Love deeply and unconditionally. Give generously. Look for opportunities to be me! Let my light shine through you into the darkness of this world.
"For the kingdom of God is not just a lot of talk, it's living by God's power!" 1 Corinthians 4:20
God, I do not desire the gifts or things you can give me. I ONLY desire you and your presence. I simply want to sit at your feet and gaze upon your glory. You are enough. I am satisfied with your love. I am content with where you have me. Thank you Lord, that I have experienced this year devoted to serving you. Thank you for the ability to follow you wherever you lead! May I continue to sacrifice myself to you and to accomplish your will. I want to hear you say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant!"
Tonight, Lord, I want you to impart your heart to me. I want to feel what you feel, to love how you love, to cry when you cry, to laugh when you laugh. I want my heart to break when your heart breaks. I want my heart to beat when your heart beats.
I want my desire to pray to return – I've lost my passion and desire to pray, to REALLY pray, since being on the race.
Lord, use me to do what's humanly impossible; use me in supernatural ways. God, let your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Lord, my ways may make sense, but they fail EACH and EVERY time. However, your ways make NO SENSE, yet they work EACH and EVERY time!
You are in the palm of my hand! Rest assured because you are in good hands! Your future is secured, it's bright, it's filled with life and adventures. Will you come along for the ride? It's a journey of a lifetime. It's perfectly planned and adapted to you. I know your heart's desires, even when you don't – even when you can't articulate things, I know it all.
I feel like God is trying to teach me a lesson through these feelings and the unsettledness within me.
He's trying to teach me that although the race is ending, life is only just beginning. As one journey and adventure ends – another awaits!
I have found new strength, new perspectives, new giftings, new boldness, new identity and new purpose since being on the race.
What I'm discovering is how to live life. I have less than 3 months left on the race. When the race ends, I will be moving back home, and life will continue to pass one day at a time.
I will not be going back to life as it was before the race; I will actually continue to live life as I've been living it – according to the Lord's plans for me.
At times, I may feel comfortable, like I'm taking the easy way out of things, like I don't take chances, but in reality, every day on the race has been hard in one way or another.
Going on the race was actually one of the hardest decisions to make (and I've had to make the decision to stay on the race each and every day!)
Moment after moment has been full of chances – from entering closed countries, to evangelizing Muslims or Gypsies, or simply traveling to and living in the hardest, darkest places on earth.
And while there have been times I've chosen myself over others, to not step out in faith, or whatever the case might be, I have to choice to end well. Each and every day is a new opportunity to grab hold of the reins of life and push the limits. This last season on the race is, luckily, not dependent on the past.
I've heard it said that the way you end one season determines how you enter the next. I want to end this season on the race well, with no regrets. I want to make decisions that will open up the right doors into my future (until God opens the right doors, I cannot pass through. The right doors will not be opened until I learn and experience what I need during this season!)
"God wants to take us on a progressive adventure in prayer, moving from monochrome spirituality to full color surround sound interactive! This may mean learning to open our eyes to pray instead of shutting them. It may mean noise as well as silence and harmony. It may mean movement as well as stillness." Red Moon Rising
I'm ready for a new adventure centered around PRAYER!
Father, teach me to pray!
In the quietness of the night, I will seek your face.
In the stillness of the night, I will pour out my heart to you.
In the calmness of the night, turn your ear to hear my pleas.
In the tranquility of the night, break me heart for what breaks yours.
