This was written over a week ago now, but I am just able to post it. I am still feeling mostly the same way and am having an even harder time than I imagined adjusting to India. Please pray for me over the course of this last month.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today is our first full day of Month 11 of the World Race. This is the first day of our last month. This is the first full day in India, the country that has had me worried since the beginning of the Race. We are at a retreat center with the whole squad for a few days before dispersing to our ministry sites. All I know about my teams ministry is I am somewhere in Andhra Pradesh , not really sure what we are doing yet though. As I sit here to write this, we have just finished lunch. As I looked around at all my squad mates I had to try really hard not to cry right there in front of everyone.
Today marks the beginning of the end of my time with them.
What am I going to do when I have to say goodbye to them? I knew when I signed up for this that my squad would be my family but also that we would only all be together for a season. But now that the season is coming to a close I am having a hard time dealing with them not being in my life every day. I spent more time with some of them than any of my friends back home. Life on the Race means spending every waking, and sleeping, moment with your team. When we finish this month the person I have spent the most time on the Race with will have me almost 24/7 for around 7 months. There are others who I have spent 3 or 4 months that way with too. There are very few people at home, outside of family, who can say that. I have grown, fought, laughed, cried, praised, worshipped, and loved with these people for 11 months. Now I am just supposed to go back home and try to function without them?
Speaking of home, I have a plane ticket back to Florida. It is really happening. I am really going to get to see my parents, my sisters, my nephews, and my friends. I am really going to get to hug all of them and have conversations with them that don’t require me to ask “Can you hear me?” every 5 minutes. I am really going to be able to eat Chick-fil-a, Tijuana Flats, Agave Azul, Buffalo Wild Wings, Sonny’s, and Duffy’s. I am really going to be able to get into my (at the moment non-existent) car and drive where ever I want, AND NOT HAVE TO TELL A SINGLE SOUL! (Or have to have anyone with me!) I am going to be around so many fully functioning kitchens. By fully functioning I mean they have a microwave and an actual stove AND oven! I am so excited to come home.
But what happens when I get all the comfort I am craving back into my life? I have a feeling it is going to make me freak out even more. How do I go from seeing everything I have to being ok with everything I have seen the rest of my life? How do I now get upset at someone who is ok with spending $80 on a skirt when I have lived with families who survive on that much for a month? And then the most terrifying question comes up; what happens when I fall right back into “normal” life in America and I am the one doing these things? How do I take all the things I have seen and learned about the world and myself over the last 11 months and assimilate them back into life in America?
I recently read a blog from my new friend Melody. She spent 3 months in Kitale, Kenya, and is now engaged to my friend Jimmy who lives there. She wrote about her experience coming home from Kenya. She writes “Act normal….act normal….meltdown….meltdown…” I feel like this is going to describe me as I come back home. I know my time on the Race has to end, and I want to come back home I really do, but some days it is harder to see how I am going to be able to make these two worlds come together.
Did I mention I was in India? As of now, I haven’t seen much of the country, so what I write next might be totally untrue. But, from what I have been told, India is hot, it smells weird, it has EXTREMELY spicy food, and people may or may not use the bathroom on the side of the road as a normal thing. We were told we are not allowed to leave the compound we are staying at. I’m not sure why, though I do not think it is a safety issue. But not being able to leave just makes me sit here with my fears about what this country has to hold. I have had thoughts that this country is either going to be one of my best countries or one of my worst countries. I don’t know how it could get any better than last month; I loved Nepal so much. But I also know now the choice is mine. I can spend all my time daydreaming about the end of the month where I get to have Thanksgiving with my squad, see the Taj Mahal, have our final debrief, and then get on a plane and come home. Or I can choose to have the best month of the Race. God has called me to 11 months, not 10 and a free month. No, 11 full months, and He still has plans for me this month. As I was talking to Him on our bus ride from the airport to our retreat center last night, I asked him what he wanted me to do this month, what I was supposed to focus on. He told me to do everything. Whatever is set in front of me, whatever ministry or experience to give it my all and just go for it. But I also know it is my choice. He has called me to this place. He even confirmed it in the special way he does for me.
I want this to be the best month. I want to enjoy all of these last moment with my squad. I want to be super excited to get on a plane and see my friends and family knowing I am not the same person I was when I left them. Right now I am just freaking out a little. Good news is I still have month 11 to figure it out. After that, I have the whole rest of my life!
