It started in Thailand, month 4 of the Race. Well if I’m being honest, I have known for a long time that this issue was going to need to be addressed. But Thailand is when I decided it was time to actually start praying into how I needed to fix this problem I was having. I knew I could not do it alone, mainly because I had been trying and failing miserably.
You see I have had a problem, a big problem. When it came to my family, I was sorely lacking in the love department. Don’t get me wrong, I loved them in the “they-are-my-family-so-I-have-to” kind of way. One of the things I learned this year is that if you really love someone, that love requires actions. My actions toward my family, namely my sisters, did not say “I love you” most of the time. I knew that I was holding onto things that had happened over the years which I let build up walls around my heart when it came to them. I held onto hurts, hard feelings, arguments, and ugly words that had happened when we were kids. On my end I was holding on to regret for times I was not around for important things, times I said mean and hurtful things that I regretted, and times I found myself causing arguments that did not have to happen. I had always felt like the black sheep of the family, never quite able to fit into the bond the other girls seemed to have amongst each other. That feeling only got worse when I went off to college and was the only one not living in a 30minute radius from mom and dad’s house. Because I was feeling like an outcast my behaviors reflected that and in turn I acted like an outcast towards my family. I withdrew more, kept more things from them, and went to see them less. It was how I protected my heart from getting hurt any more than it was. In not dealing with what had happened or what I was feeling I pushed my feelings further and further down.
By the time I left for the Race I was numb to my family. I told them what I had, just enough to not totally shun them out. I saw them occasionally, just enough that they didn’t forget I existed. I listened to them, just enough to let them know I did care. I hated it then, and I still hate it now. It wasn’t something that happened suddenly, maybe then I would have been able to do something about it sooner. No, it was something that grew over time.
So in Thailand, or April to those of you who still use months to describe parts of the year and not countries, (it’s a Race thing) I sat down with God and said “Ok, let’s do this. Let’s figure out where the problem is and let’s pull that root up so I can go home and have a better relationship with my family!” (God was teaching me about roots in Thailand, you can read that blog here) God answered those prayers, and in true God fashion, did it in the most unexpected way possible. He started with my dad. If you know my dad, you know he is a pretty incredible man. If you don’t know him, you really are missing out! But God revealed to me some areas that I needed to ask him for forgiveness. I ended up writing him a letter in Cambodia (or June) and from there the door has been open for us to have more conversations.
Then in Uganda, or August, I began really digging into the issues with my sisters. It started the week I had breakfast duty for my team. I had to wake up an hour before everyone to set the table. If someone didn’t get up at that time, the women of the house would have done it, and we wanted to help out. So I would spend the first five minutes setting the table and then the next 55mins doing my quiet time. I had read or heard somewhere that the story of Isaac and Rebekah was the first recorded story of love at first site and thought it would be fun to read, even though I had heard the story before. What can I say, I love all romantic stories. As I finished reading their story, I kept going. I spent my first week of breakfast duty reading the rest of Genesis. It is captivating! The stories are great. I forgot how all the stories are intertwined. Around Genesis 37 you get to the story of Joseph.
This where God began to radically change me!
I read through the story of Joseph, and then I read through it again. After that I began to really study the story. I brought an ESV study Bible with me on the Race and I am so happy I did. I read through the story verse by verse. Then I read the note that went with the verses. Following that I asked God what I needed to learn from this verse. This process took me about 3 months. But I loved doing it. Even when God revealed some hard truths in my life, I loved taking the time to study a character and learning lessons that I could apply to my own life. Through Joseph I learned that it was unfair to continue to hold onto the hurts of the past. Much like how Joseph no longer held a grudge when he saw his brothers 20 years later because they were changed people, I began to let go of the hurts of my childhood and see my sisters as the changed women they are now. Genesis 42:21 says “In truth we are guilty concerning our brother in that we saw the distress of his soul when he begged us and we did not listen. That is why this distress has come upon us.” This verse taught me that Joseph’s brothers thought they were being treated this way because of what they did to Joseph over 20 years ago. I don’t want my sisters to think my behavior toward them is punishment or repayment for things they did to me. I only want to show them love. I only want them to feel love from me. Another thing God showed me is how my words haven’t always been kind toward my sisters. I have learned this year that God has given me powerful words, and it is my responsibility to use them wisely. I do not always to that. My sisters have been on the receiving end of some of my hurtful words.
I have had to spend a lot of time in prayer over the lessons I have learned through Joseph. Again, while they were hard lessons I am so glad I have learned them. God has grown the love I have for my family far beyond anything I could imagine! I am so excited to get home, hug them, and start a new relationship with them. This time the foundation on love is solid, it is built on God’s love, so nothing will tear it down.
I cannot wait!!
