Wednesday mornings hold some of the hardest, yet most amazing, times of my week. It is during this time we take our two courses for CGA. Right now I am taking a course on Identity and one called Dangerous Jesus.
The Identity course was my default course. What I mean is I took this because I had already taken the other class that is offered at this time. I went into the semester thinking I was going to be helping others walk into their identity more than I was going to actually get stuff out of it.
We are going through the book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero. This week we were asked about the state of our heart and if we had covered it in stone over the years to protect ourselves. My immediate thought was that mine was just fine. I learned very quickly that I was mistaken.
We talked about the symptoms of a heart of stone.
Keep people at a distance
{Yep, but that is just one thing}
Find it hard to show emotions in front of others
{Oh boy is that me!}
Stuff your emotions
{All.The.Time}
Live life “Keeping it all together
{Uh-oh, I may be worse off than I thought}
Have to have the role of the “strong one”
{Seriously, are these people in my head?}
The list goes on. At each one my eyes got wider and wider and the Holy Spirit’s conviction got stronger and stronger. The Lord has called us to love. How can I love others if I have this heart of stone?
We were given an activity to do to release our heart of stone. I didn’t get very far in the activity. I was still reeling from the fact that I have been walking around not being able to love people well and not even knowing it. So I spent most of my time talking to Jesus about it.
I heard him say “A heart of stone is easily shattered.” Then he gave me a vision. It was two hearts being dropped. The first one was a heart of stone. When it hit the ground it shattered into a million pieces, it was unrepairable. The second heart was a normal heart. When it hit the ground it just bounced a little, still fully intact.
We so often think the stone protects us, but it gets so bad that one tiny mistake or falter can make us fall into pieces. In reality, the Lord protects us much better than we do ourselves. Even if we felt a little bit of pain in the fall, with God our hearts are still intact. We bounce back quickly. When we protect ourselves we shatter and it takes a long time to put all the pieces back together.
So are you living with a heart of stone? I didn’t think I was, but now that I know I am in the process of changing it. Just like it didn’t turn to stone overnight, I don’t think it is going to become normal overnight. But each day it loses a little more stone. Each day I am able to love a little more than the day before.
