Anyone else ever get so jazzed on a night drive you throw on some banjo tunes, lean your head out the window and howl at the moon? Uh, yeah, uh, no – me either*.
But really, what is it about driving with the windows down that makes stress just melt away? These days I’m loving my drive to work and my lunch break drives. Just me and a little Xavier Rudd and every window wide open, fresh air and freedom flowing.
This has been a crazy year. It’s taken me a while to get to a point where I can relax enough to enjoy things like car drives. There’s a reason I haven’t blogged since April. And it all started way before that, after my surprise birthday party last December.
That night, after everyone had gone home and the house was quiet, my roommate Caitlin and her boyfriend Kevin and I were hanging out in the living room. Kevin handed me something and said he felt the Lord prompt him to give it to me. It was a key with the word “Persevere” stamped on it**. Actually, it said “Perserve” because there wasn’t enough room to spell the whole word. Kind of ironic that the word itself reached the end of it’s rope and couldn’t go on… but I digress. I was touched. I wanted to cry. How kind someone gave me their prized necklace.
I also felt sucker punched by my new friend, Mr. Perserve. No. That wasn’t the right word for this year, 2019. How could it be? Words for this year should be words like ‘thrive, flourish, fruitful.’ Not a word that indicates something hard is going to happen that I’ll need perseverance to work through. No. This was MY YEAR. The Year of Dreams. The Year Kindred was going to Take Off. The Lord had even promised it to me during my 2019 planning session. It was even the title of my 2019 dream board – “Year of Dreams” written in a blue paper cloud right smack dab at the top of the poster board. I had no idea what was coming.
It all came crumbling down after a (really great) trip to Uganda in April. Nothing big, just lots of little things all shifting the foundation of my life slightly, until I felt I had no solid ground to stand on. One by one, each cherished roommate in my house got engaged, married, or moved away and they all moved out. Short term missions took a huge hit nationwide and Adventures wasn’t immune. Sadly, some people at work got laid off, including a friend who was planning on moving in. My house sat partially empty and I started renting the basement temporarily, a choice that angered a neighbor and created a second job for me. My job got switched to a new department, one that came with a new 9-5 schedule, which doesn’t always, as poet John O’Donohue says, “match the rhythm of my soul***.” (I tend to ‘hyper-focus,’ which is typical of people like me with ADD, and put so much intense effort and passion into a project that I in turn crash mentally, emotionally and physically afterwards. Because of this, I don’t always do well at desk jobs where, if you’re not careful, you can just kind of perform at about 50% capacity for long stretches. I don’t do 50% – I’m all or nothin’). And, to top this off, I got behind on my fundraising at work. Lots of little things added up, and I found myself not thriving. In fact, I felt like I was merely surviving.
Also – in full disclosure, the first time I started this blog was back in August, and I hadn’t had a shower with hot water for three days****. I’d slept in my car the night before***** (emergency on call person at work during a camp) and had given a presentation without first – get this – BRUSHING MY TEETH. Gross, right?! I would NEVER! But, it happened. That’s how hectic and crazy and busy my life had gotten.
And during all of this, Kindred had a pretty big year and went from “clouds to concrete.” I got deep into the Plywood People process and (after many hours in Atlanta and a three day retreat retreat hashing out my business plan and receiving feedback from experts), registered as a bonafide, tax-paying LLC. I no longer explain it as “This nonprofit I’m starting,” but as “This social enterprise I run on the side.”
I’ve been running a marathon at a sprint pace.
I was frazzled, somewhat hurt, and bitter. Nothing major had happened, no huge hurt or disappointment taken place – but I wasn’t living from a place of rest. I was having a hard time slowing down and taking time to be intentional. And I couldn’t write and post this blog from that place – a place of discontent. As the saying goes, share from your scars, not your open wounds. And it took me a while to tend to those troubled areas, to find out what was really irking me and spend time in silence and solitude, letting the Lord speak to me on a deep level. I had to accept some things. I had to forgive some people, myself even. I had to learn deeper levels of trust in the Lord, which was scary.
And slowly, I got out of that hard place. I started prioritizing rest, even in small pockets. I spent a weekend recently in the woods, hiking and sitting around a campfire at night. I once heard a respected elder at work describe sabbath as ‘spending time in nature and slowing down so much that you have time to watch an ant.’ I considered the ant******. And it was good for my soul. I’m spending more time in the mornings with the windows and doors open in my house, a cool breeze and the sound of singing birds filtering through. I’m letting my mind shut off during short drives to work and remembering to enjoy things like the sound of wind rustling a tree’s leaves, early morning sunlight quietly streaming through the windows in a still dark house, or the beauty of moonlight on the ripples of a lake.
My life hasn’t necessarily calmed down, but I’m choosing to find peace in the chaos. I’ve reminded myself that ‘The joy of the Lord is my strength.’ I’m consistently reminded of the Israelites – who had to go through hard things to get to the freedom of the Promised Land. I’m reminding myself that I don’t have to figure out details – after all, the Lord split the sea for his people to just walk through – they didn’t need to risk drowning or create some crazy apparatus to get to the other side. I’m holding on hope that I’ll have my Miriam moment. Did you know that Aaron’s sister Miriam packed a tambourine with her for the journey when she left Egypt?******* After safely crossing the Red Sea, she pulled it out and started a dance party! Never forget through the hard times to pack your tambourine. There will always be a time for dancing – and praise.
I haven’t yet reached the end of my key-er-rope. I’m not just “perserve-ing.” I’m persevering. I have hope that soon I’ll be thriving. And so will Kindred, and so will my house. Oh, and I’ve got two new amazing roommates!
And I’m not giving up hope that 2019 will still be the “Year of Dreams.”
What about you? Where do you find peace in the chaos? Have you taken time to slow down, to consider the ant? Did you remember to pack your tambourine?
*You can take the girl outta Kentucky but… well you know the rest. Actually, that’s the name of my Spotify playlist I typically listen to during these wild car moments. It’s full of banjo tunes and some mandolin for good measure. I’m a bluegrass gal. Check it out if you are too.
**Check out my friend Austin’s company, Keys for the Journey. Pretty much all of them have the whole word stamped on them. This one just happened to be an anomaly that got passed to his friend Kevin. But if you order one from him, I promise, yours will be perfect.
***I heard this wonderful poem, a work blessing, when my friend (and Adventures founder) Seth Barnes read it at a celebratory lunch for my boss. I believe the blessing is this one, but you’ll have to ask him to be sure.
****Key word: Hot. I’d had a few cold showers, but my hot water heater had a little moment and there was a little scare with the gas company thinking we might have a gas leak – but luckily we didn’t. Yikes!
*****In full disclosure, my extended SUV is incredibly cozy and even has a super comfortable bed in the back. It’s basically a mini camper and I LOVE IT. I’m just being a little melodramatic as it wasn’t really a sacrifice to sleep there ha ha!
******How did I miss this, that there was a woman starting a dance party with a tambourine during the Exodus? My friend Madie pointed it out recently. If you want to read about it you can find the story in Exodus 15:20.
*******Literally, my dad and I watched a tiny little worm on a log. It was actually terrible because that log was in the middle of our campfire. Finally, after about 20 minutes of watching the worm panic, I realized I couldn’t watch it give up the ghost, and I performed a search and rescue mission with a stick. But I’m not quite sure I didn’t accidentally drop it into the fire on the way out…
