To be honest, I NEVER expected the race to be this hard. Check the hashtag “11n11” on Instagram and all you’ll see are fun pictures of adventure days and smiling pictures of young adults doing things like playing with orphans. What you don’t see behind the smiles are the personal struggles and the hardships that the race brings.
Going on a journey created to refine you as a person isn’t easy. For me, I have a LOT of refining to do, and sometimes it feels like it’s been doubly or quadruply hard. In “Blue Like Jazz,” Don Miller talks about his struggles with living in community after living alone for so long. He says his personal bubble was huge. I feel the same way. At home, I like relaxing days laying in bed watching Netflix and eating Dominoes, not talking to anyone except through text. I’m the oldest person on my squad, so I’ve had that much longer to live alone and become set in my ways. I love people, but at home, I go out to eat by myself, I even go to the movies by myself sometimes. One of my favorite hobbies is hiking alone and I’ve even camped alone and gone on solo road trips. I realize some people reading this might think I’m a weirdo, but I’m sharing this so you’ll know the extent of how comfortable I am being alone. So for a person with a background like mine, living in community is completely foreign. I now realize this is a big part of why God called me to this journey, but there are times I still fight against learning the lessons in front of me.
FEEDBACK
Feedback is probably my least favorite part of the race, outside of conflict. Feedback is hard because it bruises your ego. Feedback is hard because you learn things about yourself that aren’t necessarily complimentary.
My first month of the race, one of my teammates told me I asked too many questions. I responded defensively. “No I don’t” I thought. “How dare she accuse me of something like that when she doesn’t even know me.” I’m curious by nature – God created me that way, right?! Heck, I’m a journalist! But after asking another teammate, I discovered that it’s not necessarily the questions, but sometimes my tone of voice when I’m asking questions can be intimidating to others. It’s something I’m working on.
I’ve also learned that I take really long showers, but luckily no one has gotten too irritated with me about that yet. It’s also something I’m working on. Anything close to or over 10 minutes is considered extremely excessive when there’s only one bathroom for 7-10 people. Right now Botswana is in a drought and there are signs up that say to conserve water with 3 minute showers, so not only are long showers bad for the community I’m living in, but they aren’t great for the country either. So sometimes I go several days without washing my hair or I skip conditioner to save time.
Giving feedback is equally hard or even harder for me. The last thing I want to do is tell someone what they are doing wrong, especially someone I have to live with every day. But feedback is a place where we can grow. The most important thing is learning where feedback is appropriate. If you have an honest heart to help someone grow in their spiritual journey or to step closer into the identity that God created them to be and have something that can help push them forward, then feedback is appropriate. The other day, one of our squad leaders (Mark) told me that I end lots of my sentences with “I don’t know,” and basically diminish the power of my words. I’m really glad he told me this.
IDENTITY
This one is a little harder to put into words – but it seems like a common theme for a 30-something on the race to have an identity crisis. For me personally, before the race, I had worked hard to climb the ladder of success in my career. There’s a certain amount of respect you receive from people around you as well when you’ve reached a certain ‘status’ or level in your career. The race strips that from you. To be honest, it’s hard to have everything that defined me before stripped away. Although it’s hard, it’s also a beautiful thing to have your identity foundation stripped so you can create a new foundation in Christ.
So, here’s a little insight as to where I’m at right now. It’s messy and I’m still not on the other side of most of this stuff yet, but I figured I’d throw it all out there and be honest about some of my struggles, and maybe this will have a positive impact on someone else.
