Sometimes I wonder why I signed up for this thing.
It would have been a thousand times easier to do a shorter trip, like Passport, which is three months, or maybe YWAM which is just one semester, rather than a whole entire school year, holidays included abroad. At times the world race feels impossible. But the Lord is changing my heart and revealing Himself and His plan to me.
I was going to post a different blog that I wrote, but once I finished it, I didn’t feel like I was being honest. I could sugar coat the way I am feeling, tell you only the good things and only focus on the amazing ministry we are getting to be a part of, or I can be real and tell you the good, the bad, and the ugly. I will be truthful about when I am struggling, because when I am weak, He is given the opportunity to use my weakness for His glory (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
From now on, being here, I choose God daily. I choose His joy, His kindness, His patience, His enthusiasm, I choose Him. Because if I don’t choose Him, I choose me, and I will fail every single time. Truly, I cannot make it through eight more months of this race relying on what I have relied on for the last 19 years of my life. In the past it was easy to rely on the comforts of home, my phone, food, a movie, a friend, a parent, or a distraction to fill the hole of whatever I felt I lacked that day. Here, I can’t choose those things and choosing anything other than God is unfulfilling and temporary, and most importantly, won’t last eight more months. Instead, I have the blessing of knowing a God that is in love with me as His daughter. When I ask him to speak to me, He is there in a heartbeat. When I am weak, He reminds me His glory is made perfect in my weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). When I question who He is and what He is capable of He puts me in my place, “Is there anything too wonderful for the Lord?” (Genesis 18:14).
It’s hard living a life for 19 years surrounded by people who live that same life, and then suddenly I am not living that type of life anymore, but instead, thrust into a new type of life that is not about being served, but constantly serving. I needed time to adjust to the idea that I am not here for a ten day mission trip and then I am coming home. I am living; this is my life. I never want to pretend that the life back home is on pause and when I do come home in June of next year, my life will just start again. This year is my life too and I’m spending it pursuing the lord. What a blessing.
James 4:14-15 talks about how our lives are mist. Here for a little while and then vanishes. If that’s our life as a whole, then eight months is nothing. I cannot hold onto a promise of eight months down the road and focus on those days ahead of time, because if I do I miss everything that is happening today. Instead I say, “if the lord wills it, I will do this or that today” (James 4:14-15). I will not worry about tomorrow or the next eight months, I will only ask the Lord to show me His will for this day.
Your prayers are certainly making a difference here! I have been sleeping a little better, and we have decided that my Malaria medicine is to blame. So, I will no longer be taking those meds… Now please pray against Malaria, ha. Our team member who was sick is healthy and back with us which is a HUGE praise! The ministry here is truly amazing, and as of this morning we have a new sister in Christ! There is a party in heaven right now! We met her on one of our house visits and got to pray the salvation prayer with her: ) Home sickness is much better and I am excited to be here and for what is to come: )
Thank yall for everything, bondye bene ou (God bless you in creole)!!
