First, I am so appreciative of your generosity and those who responded to my last blog. Being half way around the globe in Botswana, I sometimes feel far from you all and my simple words do not come close to expressing my gratitude. It is beyond encouraging to see that you not only read my blogs, pray, and reach out to me, but also, financially support me. In short, thank you all for your kindness : )
Blogging each week causes me to sit down and reflect on the last seven days of my life, and for the most part this is great. But, there are weeks that sitting down and writing about the last seven days feels like trying to summarize years of information into a single sentence. Okay, that’s an exaggeration, but it’s close to the truth. However, the more I think about it, the more I am convicted of neglecting to utilize this platform. I am learning and growing at an exponential rate and I have a steady number of readers who I reach weekly. So why am I not using the platform to the best of my ability? I am rededicating these blogs to share not only the work my team and I get to do, but what the Lord is doing inside of me, as well.
Over the last few weeks, God has been relentless, in the most loving way, He won’t leave me alone. I am gaining a good deal of awareness of who I am to myself, and who I am in Christ. And what I am finding out about myself is I am weaker than I originally grasped. Ironically enough, one of my strengths, is in fact, that because weaknesses bring glory to God, I am confident in all of my weaknesses…or so I thought.
Most honestly, I am sincerely struggling with body image. All my life I would have considered myself thin, and never something I had to work for. But believe it or not, four-ish months of eating rice and beans and very few nutritional foods, I’m slightly changing. At first, I had this great mentality, “I am quite literally sacrificing my body for the Lord on this mission trip”. Yay! Look at me, being biblical about my struggle with body image, right? No.
This is great in theory, but I am quite literally not feeling that way. No, it’s not drastic change. No, I am not unhealthy. No, it’s not irreversible. But yes, I struggled. Immediately, I battled these feelings by pushing them aside, putting on a bandage that says, “get over it”, and pretending they don’t exist. This left me feeling discouraged and pathetic. So, I decided to do what I should’ve done first: take it to the Lord.
Some weaknesses are harder to swallow. It’s one thing to say, “Sometimes I have trouble being bold for Christ”, and it’s another thing entirely to admit, “Sometimes I don’t like what I see in the mirror.” One of these seems honorable and noble, while the other seems pathetic and embarrassing. But both are honest, and the Lord hears both.
When I took this to the Lord, He had some interesting things to show me. He took me right to the root, and it wasn’t what I would have guessed. Surface level, what am I struggling with? Body image. But is that really the sole struggle? Is there more to it? Yes, there was, and it hit me like a truck. I was frustrated, subconsciously, with the lack of control over what we were able to eat. The root of the issue is this: I want to control my diet and exercise, because when I do, I can control the way I look, and when I control the way I look, I also control my confidence. But what is this confidence found in? Myself and the image I create.
The identity I placed, unknowingly, in my looks, hindered my true identity in the Lord. My struggle is not one of body image, it’s a struggle of identity. Before, I never understood I considered it as part of my identity until it was threatened. The Lord is revealing areas of my life I don’t even realize I’m holding, because I have never, not held them. Some others were my family, friends, and grades. These acted as tiny, little pillars I fortified and after let God place my true identity on top. But the core of who I am rested on those four pillars. One by one He is knocking those pillars down. It’s a good fight and struggle and growth. One day I want to live this life walking only as the woman of God He made me, confident in the title “daughter of the King” and nothing less. I crave the strength and confidence that I can only find when I am fully walking in the Lord.
Lots of more thoughts, lots of more lessons I am learning, but for today that is all: ) thank you for reading, Merry early Christmas, love yall : )
