Four years ago I didn't want to live. I took handfuls of pills and wanted to end it all. I was in such a dark place that I can't even remember everything that I went through in that period. The last thing I remember saying is a half-hearted prayer telling a God that I didn't fully believe in that I couldn't do it anymore.
I should be dead. I was incredibly unstable, rocking back and forth between insanity and stability. After years of emotional highs and lows before the cross, I was done with religion. I was done giving my heart to any boy who showed me any attention, and running away if they showed any signs of serious commitment. I was done with alcohol and the heavy weight of guilt sewn to me like a bright red scarlet 'A'. I was finished being a doctor's guinea pig because all of the medication they gave me turned me into a zombie. I was done seeking attention in any way I could get it. I hated myself, and everyone else around me.
God took this life and turned it inside out. He pursued me relentlessly. He took me by the hand and led me out of the mess I had covered myself in. Sweetly and fiercely, He changed me. I have not been acquainted with depression in over three years. He has salvaged my heart and healed my mind. I learned that the ups and downs I experienced at the cross were merely a result of my pursuing emotions and quick fixes rather than the face of Jesus. I didn't want devotion, I wanted goosebumps and a good reputation. I wanted to cover my sin with religious rituals.
Praise the Lord that I don't recognize the girl that I was four years ago. Praise the Lord that I met the face of Jesus. Praise the Lord that He saved my life. Praise the Lord that Satan didn't win. He fought hard, but God fought so much harder.
I'm consistently reminded of this when I see the darkness in this world. The same God that fought so hard for me, is fighting hard for women caught in sex slavery. The same God is fighting for orphans and widows and sex predators and murderers and adulterers and liars and addicts everywhere. And this sweet Jesus has given me some of His heart. So I fight hard. I pray, I go, I love. Because the same power that raised Christ from the dead, raised me from the dead, and it lives in me.
And that power brought me to Romania. I'm sitting in a country facing heavy spiritual darkness. How beautiful it is that our main ministry this month is prayer. It's a glorious redemption to pray against the very thing that held me captive four years ago. I can speak freedom over this place because I have experienced the same freedom for the last four years.
To my friends and family who walked through these things with me, thank you. Thank you for pouring yourself over the altar for me when I couldn't pray for myself. Thank you for taking turns sitting with me so I didn't have to be alone. Thank you for holding me up when I couldn't stand. Thank you for fighting for me. I love all of you more than I can put into words. And thank you to Dana, you know why. Your bravery makes me who I am. It is because of all of you that I am sitting in Romania right now.
If you're battling with depression, I promise that you will look back on your life and be so thankful that you lived through it. God redeems your life in such a way that He will use you to fight for other people. Your life has so much value and meaning. If you want prayer, please e-mail me at [email protected]. I don't claim to be a counselor, but I know my Jesus. And I know prayer works.
