Warning: Stick with me. This is more of a novel than a blog, but I want you all in on what’s happening on my Race, so here we go!
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My team spent the past month in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan. Now if you are like me you may have heard of this country before(or not) but just do not know where it is. Kyrgyzstan is bordered by China, Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, and Tajikistan and was previously under Soviet Union rule. Kyrgyzstan is so diverse, full of native Kyrgyz people, Russians, Uzbeks, and other people groups. The country does not lack beautiful scenery either, with mountains around every corner and the 2nd biggest lake in the world, Issyk-Kol Lake. The food here is a mix between Middle Eastern and Asian, which has been a beautiful change, being that we have eaten rice on rice on rice for the past few months.
For 3 weeks my team served at an English center, teaching English grammar every day as well as just hanging out with the students there. The students are a wide range of ages, but the center’s main focus is college students. Our goal was to teach English well, build relationships and plant seeds with students, as well as empower and encourage the interns and staff at the center. We stayed in a house that was close to our ministry, as well as a grocery store, a pharmacy, a mall, and a legitimate coffee shop. Needless to say, the team was not mad about it. 🙂
Each weekday we would have the mornings to ourselves and then head to the center to teach and hang out with students. I will spare you all the details and give you a glimpse into our time by telling you what some of the students and interns said to our team the day we left. *summarized*
“I know I now have friends in the United States.”
“Thank you for sharing with me about Jesus. It was hard for me to understand, but it was good.” –(Muslim student)
“Thank you for teaching me to love myself.” –(girl student to my teammate Drea)
“You have been an encouragement to me, sent by God in perfect timing.”
“I will always remember you.”
“I have met many Americans before, but there is something special about you all.”
Praise God! He truly used us to shine His light to the students, interns, and staff at the center. The experience I had this month was what I wanted my Race to be like. Imparting wisdom, building relationships, planting seeds, and encouraging local Christians.
God also worked in huge ways within our team. “The Whey” (team name- after whey protein but more importantly, the true Way) is a brand new team and it was our first month together. Each night we had dinner as a team, followed by team times and daily feedback. Feedback is the word we use to simply describe a time when our team comes together and calls each other out and up. We voice concerns or point out each other’s blind spots as well as encourage and celebrate how we are seeing each other be Christ to those around them. Having to do feedback daily was a daunting task at first, but we soon learned how beneficial and life-giving it was. Doing feedback every day doesn’t allow things to fester, and with a foundation of Christ’s love, everything is done in love. I can honestly say we are a family. We love each other, we laugh together, we encourage each other, and we give grace. I am so thankful for each of them, and cannot wait to take on the next part of this journey with them!
I also, want to give you a look into what the Father has been doing in my heart this past month. I so appreciate all of your prayers and support and want you to know what my heart has been going through and all that I have been learning. I know it’s impossible to do in one post, but here’s what has been happening recently. Here we go…
I have always struggled with deep rooted insecurity. I didn’t realize how deep it went until this year. I asked at the beginning of this journey for the Lord to grow me more than ever before. I didn’t want to go home the same person I was when I stepped onto that first plane in Atlanta. Man, did He take me up on that challenge.
This year, so far, I have walked through learning how to live in community, how to battle and fight for myself in the spiritual realm, how to intercede for others, and have truly stepped out of my comfort zone, in more ways than one. Living in a different country is hard and comes with many challenges. I have traveled. A lot. And still have a lot more to do before coming home in November. I have had difficult conversations with sweet, loving friends. I have seen extreme poverty of the spirit and of material things. I have struggled to communicate through language barriers and seen the spirit communicate for me. I have seen broken fingers healed, right before my eyes! I have seen endless examples of the love of Christ and how to be Him to others. But most of all, I have met my Heavenly Father, truly met him, experienced his love, and seen his face, for the first time. Let me tell you about it. I pray you experience it as well.
This month, one way that we poured into the locals was by having ‘girl’s nights’ with the interns and staff at the center. We ate dinner together and laughed until our stomachs hurt. We worshiped together, prayed over each other, and spoke words of life to each other, all the while trying to bond their community together even more. These girls are living for Christ in a place where that is not the norm. Their life is not easy. Most of them are the only Jesus followers in their families. To worship our Father together with them was one of my favorite experiences. Ever. To be singing the same praises to our Creator, in different languages brought a whole new strength to my faith. “My God is so real!” I remember thinking to myself as I listened to them worship. That’s what this trip is about. Not just the adventure, the travel, not even the healings and the miracles. It’s about putting a fire in the hearts of the people who are actually out here, living day to day the calling God has put on their lives. To be light in a dark place. To be a shoulder to cry on. To be a hand to pull them out of the pit of insecurity or failure or burnout. I don’t want this to be just an 11 month thing. I want this to be my life. This is the life that the Father is calling me to. A life of abundance. Of sonship. Of being a daughter encouraging and loving those around me. With this revelation and renewed passion came attack. Insecurity crept in.
“You can’t do this.”
“You’re not actually making a difference.”
“You aren’t good enough to lead a team. They don’t like you anyway.”
“You don’t even really like yourself, remember? How could you really encourage others if you aren’t encouraged yourself?”
Then they turned into my own thoughts.
“Everyone else is a lot better at this than me.”
“I’m really not good with people.”
“I’m a crappy leader.”
“I’m definitely not as cute as the other girls on my team.”
This is what I usually do. I spiral. I talk horribly about myself. So it was the norm. We are now at a lake in Kyrgyzstan having Debrief with the other Expedition squad that launched in April. So I pushed my thoughts aside and went along like normal. This is my process. Something great happens, I doubt, I talk bad about myself, I move on, never really coming to any conclusion other than that I pretty much suck at life and I came to terms with that a long time ago so nothing new. That’s just how I view myself. As nothing special. In our month in China, I told one of my squad mates that she could tell me a million times over that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” but I wouldn’t believe her and there was nothing she could do about it. She told me she would pray for me. A mere two months later her prayers were answered.
Two nights ago we had a session where we could go up to one of our leaders and “receive a hug from the Father.” It sounds strange at first, I know, but once you experience it, there’s nothing like it. They simply pray that their arms would be His arms and speak out anything they hear from Him about you. We did this in Nepal and it was life changing. When the lights were dimmed and the guitar started playing and people started going up for “hugs” I sat in my seat, reluctant to go up. I had done it before, I was good. But… I kept hearing GO. I ignored it and stayed seated for another 10 minutes. Finally I went. I went to my squad leader and he spoke some really beautiful things over me, but nothing really sunk it. It was sweet and great and all, but I couldn’t accept compliments, even from the Father, because of my insecurity so it was a bit un-impactful. Or so I thought.
I go to my seat and the minute I sat down, the Father started speaking back to me everything my squad leader had said. Everything. Every word.
“I love how your smile lights up the room.”
“I see how well you love others.”
“I want to know every part of your heart.”
“I love the way I have made you.”
And let me tell you something. I believed it. For the first time.
I fell on my knees and wept. For the first time in my life, I really believed what the Father was saying to me. What he was saying about me. So I ran with it. I out loud, audibly, thanked him for everything about me that I have previously hated.
My appearance.
My personality.
My leadership.
The way my brain works.
All of it. And I meant it. For the first time. Ever. As I write this I still can’t really believe it. I have been so insecure my whole life. It was, it had to be, an act of the Holy Spirit for me to actually speak those words over myself.
So I want to encourage you, whomever you may be, that breakthrough is coming. Whether you struggle with insecurity or lust or pride or relationships. Keep pressing in, because even though it seems that you could never ever be free of it, you really can be, and He wants that for you. His love for you is too deep to see you live forever with this pain you have. It may take 24 years, but it is coming. I thought insecurity was something I would just have to live with.
That’s pure bull.
I am not saying it isn’t a process. It is. It’s something I will walk out my whole life. It’s not a one and done, but it’s a start. The more I not just accept, but love, the way my Father has made me, it has opened up my heart to love others even more. I can’t explain how much the Father loves me. I can’t explain why He would give His son for me to live without being insecure. But He did. I can’t explain it, but it’s true and I am going with it with hands wide open.
How deep the Father’s love for us,
how vast beyond all measure,
that He should give His only Son
to make a wretch his treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss
the Father turns his face away,
as wounds which mar the chosen one
bring many sons to glory.
Behold the man upon the cross,
my sin upon his shoulders;
ashamed I hear my mocking voice
call out among the scoffers.
It was my sin that held him there
until it was accomplished.
His dying breath has brought me life.
I know that it is finished.
I will not boast in anything,
no gifts, no power, no wisdom,
But I will boast in Jesus Christ his death and resurrection.
What should I gain from his reward?
I cannot give an answer.
But this I know with all my heart, His wounds have paid my ransom.
Check out this version of ‘How Deep the Father’s Love’ by King’s Kaleidoscope that I have had on repeat all week! –> Click Here
