I have been ready for bed since 10 PM, yet I find myself lying in bed wide awake at 3:45 AM.
Why can’t I sleep? Maybe its because my nerves are going crazy…
My bedroom is packed up and as a result I find myself sleeping in my little brothers room. Only they aren’t here because they are at their dads for the weekend. As I sit in their room without them, I can’t help but remember how much I missed them while I was on the race. In fact, the same tears that I cried then are beginning to stream down my face. As soon as my baby brothers found out that I was leaving again they weren’t happy. My 9 yr old brother continues to say to me “It’s like your not even part of our family anymore.” Even though I know he doesn’t mean to hurt me, those words cut through me because I know that I am hurting him. I just want to be the “perfect” big sister. Just like I want to be the perfect little sister, friend, daughter, aunt, grandaughter, cousin, etc… I want to be there at important moments in my loved ones lives.
Sure, I could choose to ignore the call that God has on my life. I could choose to just live a normal christian life and I would probably even be happy doing it. But something in me yearns for more…. something in me knows that there is more…. to be honest i’m not even sure what the “more” looks like.. I just know that something deep within me tells me to keep striving…
I don’t know what the rest of my life is going to look like, for all I know by this time next year I could be married and settled in the place we are going to live for the rest of our lives. I just know that right now He is asking me to once more to take a HUGE leap, and as scary as that leap may look.. I know that I am one step closer to my inheritance.
I wrote this blog to be real with everyone and to let you know that I am not claiming that this stuff is all peaches and cream , and I am not claiming that there will not be tears. In about 24 hours I will drive the long stretch on i20 between Texas and Georgia and I promise I will weep at least half of the way there, I will probably even argue with the Lord… But guess what, that is just the Lord performing surgery… Time will heal.. Then He will be at it again. THE SURGERY IS WORTH IT!!!
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.
Romans 5:3-4
