I want to share my story with you, but you also have to know where I am coming from since you cannot know where I am until you know where I have been.
Some of you have known me since I was born, some of you may have met me in middle school or high school, or maybe you had a college class with me or have met me since I graduated college. Wherever you met me, however you met me, you all have some perspective of me.
This is true for everyone, we all gain perspectives of people we meet, whether we are with them for five minutes or fifteen years. We form ideas of how they should act, speak and live. When they don’t we are shocked, disappointed or offended. These words may seem harsh, but we put people in boxes of who we think they are or should be. I’ve done this and I’ve experienced people who have done it to me.
This creates problems because we put people in boxes and sometimes they don’t fight for who they are. They, instead, mold themselves to the boxed version that people have placed them in. Living that way can lead to a drained, stressed out life that lacks joy because people pleasing will never fully give us what we want it to. Those we desire to gain approval and acceptance from will eventually still be disappointed.
When we let others control who we are by what they say, we in turn are making the decision to lead our lives that way. It’s easy in the stages that follow the realization of this to want to cast the blame on those who put you in the box or made you feel that way, but at some point we learn that we were in fact part of the problem. We are making the decision to let others lead our lives because we have the desire to be a people pleaser (whether its to gain approval, keep the peace or gain friends). We are saying no to allowing God to lead our life by saying yes to letting other people tell us who we are.
Something that has been a battle in my head the last month is whether or not I want to share my story with everyone. I do want to share it with all of you, but in doing so I will be fighting the box. I will be sharing a side of who I am that few have seen. This is a hard place to be in, a scary place to be in. The place where I can easily make the choice not to share and justify that decision. But I want to bring each and every one of you in to my walk with God and how I got here.
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“Where does a story begin? Well at the beginning of course…” I was born on August 31st, 1994 to James and Karen Faber. (I have an amazing family—I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that before, but I’ll say that now). I am the youngest of four, and my siblings are Joel, Kimberly and John.
My family are all believers which is a tremendous blessing! And that to say, I grew up in the church. I started Cubbies in the Awana program when I was three. I started memorizing Scripture through Awana, and I was definitely in a family where our beliefs were not just lived out one day a week. I spent so much time in the church, and that is truly a blessing and has given me some precious memories.
When I was five my dad passed away unexpectedly and it left it’s effects on my family. I latched on to my family and one of my friends. I gripped them tighter, not wanting to lose them, too. I tried to be strong as well, even in the midst of not fully understanding the situation. Over the next several years from age 5 through 12 I have tons of memories. Most of them involve either the church with the Awana program and my friends there, singing school/home school activities, or special family moments — like fighting with my brother John, annoying my sister, and playing spies/cops or some athletic/outdoor activity with both my brothers. I had a great childhood!
When I was 12, however, things started shifting. I started noticing the things I wouldn’t ever experience that other friends of mine would. I realized that my dad wouldn’t teach me how to drive or be at my high school graduation and all the important and special events a girl thinks about at that age. My anger started slowly, but as people left me over the next two years (either through old age, college, moving away or simply walking away) that anger grew.
I felt my whole world shattering and along with my heart. I don’t know about you, but emotional pain really hurts. I started shutting down, especially emotionally. As people kept leaving, I kept envisioning others I care deeply about leaving as well. I was living in that pain and that fear, and soon my belief was that if I didn’t let people in then I wouldn’t be hurt when they were gone. I started forming masks so people wouldn’t know what was going on inside. I didn’t let my anger or my emotions show and I gradually learned to create masks that pleased others and what it seemed they wanted or needed me to be. But I was completely closed off to letting people in past a certain point.
When I was 16, one of the families at my church was in a tragic car accident. Do you remember that foundational belief I’d formed that I couldn’t be hurt if I didn’t let people in? It completely shattered. Every emotion I had suppressed—all the pain, the anger—came rushing back. I was angry and I let it show. I felt myself and the masks I had created starting to break, but then it didn’t. Instead I was told that my anger was wrong, and my people pleasing nature kicked in, a mask came on, emotions got suppressed back down and the closed off Kara returned. The only difference was that I’d admitted I was angry at God and decided I wanted nothing to do with Him.
The start of my first real semester of college at 17 is when I realized I had become that people pleasing person and I was tired of it. I was tired of trying to please people and it not working, of it not being enough. But deep down, I still wanted their approval, I still wanted those I cared about to be proud of me.
When I struggled that first semester with my social life and my family life and the intertwining of the two that I didn’t know how to do, I disappointed a lot of people. What comes with that people pleasing nature is that other’s disappointment in you makes you disappointed with yourself. And for me, all I started seeing was how much I had failed.
Disappointing people made me want to strive to gain their approval even more. Not just for them to approve of me, but because it became a necessity. I needed their approval because that would justify me. During this time, I was slowly starting to come back to God. The problem was that it was more about me telling God what I wanted and expected of Him and not allowing Him to lead my life. I was letting others do that for me, so my relationship with God became a semi on again off again thing instead of a solid and faithful commitment.
When I transferred to UNCG I started going to a “Christian” (I use this term loosely) organization, but it was more of a social club than a fruit giving, edifying weekly session. That semester wrecked me. Because of getting involved with the organization and spending my time with the wrong group of friends, I completely shut down and turned off my emotions. I didn’t want to feel anything, and I succeeded with that at times when I was constantly busy. I went from working 60-80 hours a week in the Summer to a cram packed semester with 19 credit hours, an RA position, intramural activities and a volunteer coaching position. I used the not having any time on my hands to take time away from thinking about the mess my life and emotions were in, but by the time it came close to end of semester exams, I just started breaking completely.
My insecurities in every area came crashing in on me and I felt like I was drowning. The only thing that got me up was a friendship that quickly became co-dependent. The friendship was where I found my happiness and could step out of the depression I was in. But a year later, the Fall of 2015, not even that could help.
My insecurities gripped me to the point where nothing life giving could get in. I forgot truth. I cut off relationships. I stopped going to church. I knew I needed these things, but I didn’t want them. My mind became really foggy very quickly and I couldn’t figure out which way to go to find safety. I became less and less sure of most things around me, but absolutely sure of one thing. That I was drowning.
That drowning took me to a brokenness I had never experienced before and I desperately sought to find answers. I started reading Follow Me by David Platt. I honestly don’t know why I picked up the book, but I remember reading it and actually understanding (after years of being in the church and hearing it every Sunday), what actually putting my faith in Christ means. That it’s truly life changing, it’s a commitment that’s walked out every second of the day.
Taking that step into becoming a disciple I was faced with the step of overcoming all the years I’d spent angry at God. How could I become a disciple when I’d been angry at Him? Why would He ever want to bring me into His family with the baggage I carried?
That step was a huge one. It wasn’t easy overcoming the lie that my past was unforgivable. But I learned that me believing that my past was too much for God to forgive was saying that His Son’s death wasn’t enough. Woah… My pride was telling me that I could sin and do certain things that would make Jesus’s payment for sin (payment for not only my sin, but everyone’s) not enough. When I realized this, I was able to humble myself, check my pride, and speak truth into that. I am not worthy of God’s gift of salvation, I’m not. It’s even good that I know that. But it does not lessen the fact that Jesus’ death did pay the price for my sins—past, present and future. I also realized the grace that God was extending me and the mercy He had on me.
When I made that commitment, when I chose to fully place my faith in God there was a radical change to my life. My life no longer was focused on what I wanted, but how I could serve God and where He wanted me to be. Growing and changing my life to let God be the one in control of it, leading me every step of the way was not an easy one. It’s been a process that I still mess up and fail at. I still struggle with wanting to please others and falling back into that routine. I still struggle with insecurities at times. But it’s a journey that I choose to step into daily. Not by myself, but with God and now with all of you.
Today’s choices become tomorrow’s circumstances. This means that our decisions matter. Every decision we make points our life in a direction. “There is no decision that is an isolated choice. It’s a chain of events. If you choose wisely, your future will reflect that. But if you don’t, the decisions you make now will take you to the places you don’t want to be later” (Lysa Terkeurst).
My decision to follow Christ brought me restoration in relationships with my family and some of my friends. My decision to follow Christ brought me into deep community and fellowship with the Young Adult group at Lawndale Baptist Church, as well as Kainos at First Roanoke. My decision to let God have control of my life led me to the World Race. Letting God have control over my life, listening to where He is leading me isn’t a one time event. It’s something I daily have to wake up and make the choice to do. It’s something that I’m still growing in, and in doing so I am learning valuable lessons about not only who I am, but also how great God is. There is immense freedom and redemption that comes through our faith in Jesus Christ and our willingness to follow Him. Freedom and redemption that only He can bring.
Making the choice, the decision, to follow Him was the best decision I ever made.
Till Next Time,
Kara Faber
