In month three I posted a blog that was incredibly hard for me to post. I was vulnerable in that blog; I shared my story in that blog. Sharing my story was not an easy feat for me because I have walls that I have put up between myself and people. They keep me from getting hurt when those same people leave later on.
There is one underlying piece in everything I’ve grown in during my time on the race so far and that is vulnerability. Be vulnerable means taking down those walls and letting people in. Being vulnerable is hard and sometimes incredibly painful. There has been many times over the race where I have entered into a process of learning something and did not share it with my team until I had finished the process, the journey. Sharing the end result with my team is great, that’s being honest, but sharing the process and the reason why it was a hard journey or how I got to the end is being vulnerable. Inviting people into the process of the growth is vulnerable.
In Month 4 I was in the Philippines and with my original team, Anchor Depths. It was our last month together and we’d grown a lot as a team. It was close to the end of this month when my team sat down and, guided through bible study we did together on our heart, we gave each other feedback on how we see each others’ heart.
This night… It was a hard night. One of my alumni squad leads gave me feedback that has stuck with me since then. She told me that I give and I give and I give, but I have this wall I have built between me and other people. There’s a hole in that wall so I can stick my arm out and give, but the wall keeps people’s love from getting inside to me.
I have questioned this. I have given it to God. I have asked God to give me answers on countless parts of it. How to break down the wall, how to receive love, how to still guard my heart, why I have the wall up… So. Many. Questions… For the two months since that night, I have dwelled upon this feedback and over that time, I finally got some answers to the why.
When I was thirteen I started wearing masks, but along with the masks were the walls I built and put up. They kept me from getting hurt, or at least from having my heart completely break. In the last year and a half I have worked to break down those walls, and that journey has not been easy. I’ve now come to this wall. This wall that I had no clue how to take down and no idea why I couldn’t take it down.
This past month, however, I had a friend exit out of my life and though there was hurt that came with that, I also found that I could lean on God more easily than I did in my past. What I failed to realize is that I subconsciously put up walls between myself and my teammates. After a few days, I did realize it however and realized that I needed to take them down. There was no reason why I couldn’t trust my teammates. They were not the ones who exited my life.
And in realizing those last two statements I found the why I had the last wall. When one person leaves, I lose trust in all other people. But that lasting wall is there so that I am not left in pieces if people leave. I am not trusting anyone completely. I’m not trusting them with my biggest fears or how the truly hardest moments in my life felt or left me.
And through learning why, I found the answer in how to let down the wall. Letting down the wall and letting people in. Letting them know me and accepting the love they give does not mean I’ll never get hurt or that I don’t need to guard my heart, but it does mean that God can then use people to pour into me and support me in my growth.
Vulnerability… it’s not easy. It’s incredibly hard. I finally let down that wall last night and I let my team lead, Hannah, in. It was hard taking that step of trust and pushing through all the no’s my subconscious was yelling at me, but being able to receive her support and love was incredible.
I’m still working on taking down the wall. It’s a process and it doesn’t just happen over night, but it’s worth the hard times and the pain. Walls separate us from what God designed, so if you struggle with walls like I do, I recommend taking the journey with God to break them down.
Till Next Time,
Kara Faber
