So we detoured to London this month. Something to do with plane tickets, riots in Thailand and God’s will. We have spent the month working with many different churches. Mostly, handing out literature and going door-to-door to spread the gospel. It has been quite a month of change. Third world to first world. 70 degrees to 30 degrees on a good day. Rice to potatoes. Translators to direct communication. Kids at the church to strangers in the park. One culture to many cultures. Free time to a structured schedule. Privacy to community. These are just a few of the many changes and adaptations this last month brought.
One thing has become very apparent to me over these last six months. I am not changing the world, it is changing me. My expectation was to leave a mark on this world. Oddly, the opposite is happening. Leaving for the Race, I felt totally prepared. I knew there would be challenges and surprises, and flexibility was a must. Confident I possessed all that I needed, I was ready to face whatever the world had to throw at me. I grossly overestimated myself and underestimated the world. I find that in every country I am feeling like I gained more than I gave.
Oblivious.
The best way to describe my life pre-World Race.
My experiences this last six months have shattered my unawareness.
Guatemala is in their first post civil war generation.
A country in desperate need of better education system in order to help allevate the poverty gap.
Vietnam is country where religious freedom is window dressing for a state run church that is anything but free.
Cambodia has had to rebuild their country, culture and lives from scratch.
The Khmer Rouge’s genocide left a significant wound on the heart of this nation.
Thailand is consumed with sex tourism. It is a normal part of life.
Not many bat an eye at the site of girls selling themselves everyday.
London is a place of great opportunity that draws many people from all over the world but is spiritually dead.
Speaker’s Corner in Hyde Park is a place where Islam and Christianity go head to head and
try convince the other that they follow the one true God.
This is just the tip of the iceberg.
6 countries.
A handful of cities.
Each one has a specific need,
a different need, a dire need.
Greatest lesson learned: I have nothing to offer. Nothing I do will ease their suffering for long or provide for enough of their needs. I left so many people thinking, “I wish I could give them more”. More time, more money, more help, more hope. I am empty. I am broken. I am not in control as I once thought. I am not able to change people’s hearts and minds. I am not able to do anything but trust God with each of them.
I wish that I could say that with more joy. Trust God with them. I am finding out that I don’t trust God as much as I hoped. I trust Him when He does things my way. But as soon as He goes outside those bounds I get belligerent. I dig in my heels and get down right obstinate. Many times I discover that I don’t want to need grace. More than I care to admit, I find no comfort in grace. The need for grace implies that I am lacking. I see all that I am not. Staying in that place of not measuring up, perpetually failing, fighting for control, feeling unsure about myself, God and the world has disastrous effects. Yet time and time again, I find myself caught in the torrent of such thoughts.
Abba’s Child by Brennann Manning has given me some hard but excellent insight into this struggle. I would love to just quote 90% of the book but that’s would ruin it for everyone of you who are going to read it.
“Humility is confidence properly placed in God.”
For the rest of my life, I may be caught in the deep waters of this truth.
Humility is not about behavior modification.
It is true submission to my Abba.
Days and weeks to come will find me both in and out of this place.
But at least now I know I am broken and empty.
Maybe God can use that to change the world.
