I don’t know what I am doing.

I don’t know what I am doing

“I don’t know what I am doing,” has become a regular response for me. I am mostly writing this to hold myself accountable while on the race when I need more grace or when I am having a rough day.

Most people are shocked that I am doing the world race using these words that I cannot identify with like brave, cool and crazy. Well maybe I can identify with crazy. But the truth is I have no idea what I am doing. I am only trusting God and my faith seems to be growing in my small victories. Yay for going in the right direction. I found the world race where I find most things… Google.

I have never been on a missions trip. 
I have never been to the places I am going.
I have never met anyone on my squad.
I have never fundraised for anything before.

I don’t know what I am doing on this race or in life. Doesn’t that make it more exciting? The less of me there is, the more room there is for God to intervene in all my my situations. I have to decrease everything about myself to make room for God to strengthen me. I want to leave myself open to anything and leave expectations behind, because we don’t know what is going to happen.

Lately the scariest thing I can think of about this process isn’t being on the race, its coming home. Coming home is scaring me because what then? There’s too many options like picking a major in college. What do I want and where am I going? Every 20 something’s nightmare. 

The truth is I left my pride shattered on the floor, and no longer have control over where all of this is going. Which seems more terrifying. Am I right? But it’s not, there is more peace knowing that all of these huge life choices aren’t up to me. I have so much more freedom in knowing that God is steering my life.

I would rather be a vessel. I am only 1 person. I can only do so much.