I found myself standing in a room with concrete walls peeling down. The colors on these walls blending together in sheets falling from the wall. For three days straight I had been peeling and spackling, not knowing for sure that the protocol would be for this small Nepali home. On the ground lay old pieces of dirty clothes, candy wrappers, bags of trash. You could find cockroaches both dead and alive weaving their way through the things strewn on the floor. Every piece of furniture pulled from the wall was thick with ants. The carpet was covered in stains both black and yellow- not at all confident what they were from. Yet this home seemed to be filled with hearts for the Lord. My new friend who worked in ministry here had asked us to paint his home. He lived on the bottom floor of a ministry house that works with rescued women. His home was comprised of three small rooms- one kitchen, one family room and one bedroom that he lived in with his wife and 3 little girls.
The truth is we were asked to paint these rooms. What we didn’t know was how much of a home renovation this ministry project would be. None of us were prepared for the task, but we rolled up our sleeves and got to work. However all ministry is a privilege and everything is a ministry. I continue to catch myself in moments where I cannot believe that this is my life.
It is a privilege to scrub dirty carpets by hand
It is a privilege to spackle moldy walls
It is a privilege to scrap off old paint sheets
It is a privilege to kill cockroaches
It is a privilege to sleep in tight quarters with 48 world racers
It is a privilege to watch the sunset on a Nepali rooftop
It is a privilege to be sharpened by 7 women each day
It is a privilege to pray for people on the daily
It is a privilege to grow deeper with God
I recall the first sermon I ever heard at Passion City Church. At that time, my mom had just taken her own life and you can imagine how far I was from the Lord. How I didn’t understand how things like this can happen to people with so much goodness to offer (see Seven Year Survival here). However people have their own free will and do with it what they choose. But at that time, I was so desensitized to the world. I never thought anyone had gone through anything that I had been through. I felt so stoic, I was not living. I was only surviving and not giving one thought or piece of my time to the Lord. I was waking up going to school, going to work on repeat without a sense of purpose.
All that the say that God knew I was going to go to Passion City Church that day, because the sermon was hand crafted for my ears- or so it seemed. It was the grand opening of the 515 Garson Drive and they had just renovated an old Home Depot warehouse to create a space for the church. Louie Giglio was talking of how they had to renovate the building to create something new and beautiful- an open space for the Lord to reach people. He explained that it works the same with people, we have to come before the Lord and lay our pain and our hearts of stone at His feet to gain a new beating heart of flesh for Him to work with. That was the day I decided I wanted a relationship with God. I had nothing else to lose. I needed him to make my whole. I needed Him to take away my grief. I needed Him to give me that new beating heart so I can enjoy all the giftings of the world. I decided on that day, my life was not my own.
Much like the old layers of paint and peelings of the wall, I was like layers of paint chipping away to the concrete underneath. Nothing but the love of God could seep into the concrete walls that were left of my heart. We had to put on a coat of fresh paint. Just as the Lord covers us with His blood and blessings, this mint green paint covered every piece of the broken wall for this home, sealing in all the ugliness to provide fresh start. Even so, when put that paint on, we have no intention of going back to what it was before. When we deal with the past through Jesus, we leave it there. Everything new is available for the taking and everything is finished that needs to be.
Sometimes we have to be so far down and out that this is the only option. But if you ever find yourself in a place that seems so dark, know that God has never left you. We don’t choose Him, He chooses us. We just have to be available to say yes.
p.s. if you want to listen to that sermon, you can find it here. <—
