Yes God is working on me
I have written a lot of posts about how God is moving in the areas in which we have been ministering. But I know that many of you have invested in my journey on the world race also to see how God is working on me.
Well, let me just say that when God works, he goes all out and leaves nothing untouched and it can be quite painful. Really I want God to work in me, because I want to be the best I can be for him, I just wish it would be easier to do.
So, since the beginning of launch I felt disconnected from both God and my team. This is the exact opposite of how I felt at training camp. I struggled with feeling like I was a part of my team and feeling like God was walking with me. At first I thought it was because I was experiencing a new thing and that it would eventually pass. I also thought it was because of my extreme exhaustion from traveling.
As the month went on, I sought after God and worked hard to connect with my team. I kept feeling as though they had all bonded and that I was only included because I am a part of the team, and it wouldn’t be Christian like to leave me out. The love that was being extended felt forced and unwanted. I felt like everything that I said or did was wrong. Not just because I felt it, but because I was constantly given constructive feedback and suggestions of not doing this or not doing that. After a while it became weighed down on me and I was afraid to say or do anything. I just waited patiently to be told to do something or asked if there was something I should be doing. I felt as though I was slowly being erased and the qualities that my team mates desired were replacing what was once there. I became depressed and felt even more distant from God. I would take my quiet time searching for The comfort of my Lord, to find his peace and tranquility. I would fall asleep to podcasts and worship songs, longing to just be connected once again. I began to resent my team for always finding fault in me and barely ever anything encouraging. But I kept trying to let it go and sought to love them the way Jesus does. This worked for a while, but there was still this heaviness on me. One that made me not want to be with my team.
I found myself in a pool of brokenness when we arrived at debrief. It was easy to not spend time with my team, because I had so many other people available to fulfill my need of community. People who took the time to love me, and listen to me. People who found good things in me. We began to have sessions on vulnerability. We were challenged to be vulnerable the squad, then just the girls and finally our team. We also had one on one times with the squad leaders, coaches and our squad mentor. I was able to slowly share some of my heavy heart during these half hour sessions. I didn’t let it all out because I was afraid that if I did, I would be told how wrong I am to feel what I felt. So I tested the waters to see if they were safe. They each gave me suggestions on how to communicate with my team. So I tried these things. But my heart was still heavy. I still felt like there were things I wanted to tell my team that were breaking my heart. But every time I tried to share, I felt as though I was being shut down. Being told that my perspective was off, or that I was listening to lies of the enemy. This made me feel invalidated. There is no doubt in my mind that my team said these things out of love. But even my two best friends, who love me far greater than my team, has hurt me when they have said things out of love. And being that I didn’t know them and didn’t know how to talk to them, the pain began to build up. By the time debrief in Albania came, I was feeling completely alone and rejected. The team debrief focused mostly on me and the few times I burst out crying because how frustrated I was with people not hearing what I was saying. I began to think “What am I doing here? What makes me think I can live in community. The voices of people back home kept coming back to me. The voices that told me I wasn’t ready to be on the race, that I was not going to last. I was so completely broken that one night after another failed team feedback, I sat on the balcony and cried out to God with all that I had with in me. I wept so hard that a team mate came to me and urged me several times to stop crying and to go to bed because it wasn’t healthy. But what she didn’t understand was that crying out to God was the only healthy thing I could do for myself at that moment. I was broken inside and God was the only one who was able to fix it. He reminded me that he wanted me on the world race so he could capture my attention, that I would rely on him for the things I often looked to people to fulfill. He had my attention, and I was ready to let him be my source of joy, of peace, of comfort. Then all of a sudden I sensed The Lord telling me to open my bible app and to begin reading aloud. I hesitated at first, not knowing what to read. But then I opened it up and began reading the passages that were before me. I read the second chapter of Colossians. It told me to not let anyone disqualify me for the things I do. I continued to read aloud when I heard some people at the door. I continued to read, then stopped as they sat before me. I was afraid of why they were there so I simply asked “what is I that you want from me?” They responded out of love, telling me that they wanted me to not be hurting any more. So I opened up my heart about everything that I was feeling, not holding back anything. And they just simply listened. They didn’t try to tell me not to feel that way or to fix my point of view, they just simply listened. And I felt loved. They helped me to formulate how to express how I was feeling to my teammates and I shared the next feedback session. I felt a weight being lifted off of me. The next feedback after that I was given feedback about that feedback from a teammate and how she had a hard time hearing what is was saying and that is why she had to leave team time. I felt surprisingly at peace.
It has been over a week since and I still feel at peace with God. Even in the crappiest moments working on the pig farm, people notice that I am full of joy. God is doing a work in me, and he is using the people on my squad to do it. It may be difficult, but it am determined to come home from the world race a new person. One who relies on God for the source of all things good. I am pressing into a deeper relationship with him. To be in tune with his voice, to be an effective witness to the world.
So while you may see pictures and posts of all the fun I am having on the race, don’t forget that there is a good work that is being done in me while I am here. And there is more purpose for me to be here than missions alone. When you invest in my trip you aren’t just investing in advancing the kingdom, you are investing in me, that I may be transformed into the likeness of Christ. In early October I need to be funded at $11,000 and fully funded ($16,282) by the first if the new year. I am at about $9,000 now, so please continue to support me in this journey God has called me to. If I don’t meet the two deadlines I will be sent home. Please help me meet these deadlines so I can stay on the race and continue to be transformed. You can support me by clicking the Support Me! Link to the left.
