People often say to me that I am a true worshipper of the Lord and that I am a shining example of what a Christian should be. While it makes me feel wonderful to know that I am such an inspiration to many to live out a life that is honoring to God, I must be honest and admit that not everything about me is always such a good example. I too much come to the cross and confess my sins. Sins that if I don’t release to God, will weigh me down and prevent me from continuing to live a life that brings God glory.
What brings about such a heavy topic? Yesterday my pastor shared with the congregation that we as a church need to bring our sins to light so the enemy of our souls can not continue to use us to tear each other down. It was a powerful message that left me sobbing at the sins that are in my own life that have not been revealed. Before he would allow us to go to the communion table, he urged us to spend some time searching our hearts and confessing our sins. There were two microphones set up to allow people to come and publicly confess sins. He also allowed us to come to the alter to confess our sins before the Lord. Many came forward to confess sins against the church and their fellow brothers and sisters. I thought about coming forward myself. But I thought that there were so many sins that would need to confess, I wouldn’t know where to begin, or which to publicly confess. So I confessed to the Lord, took communion and vowed to take the time to publicly confess my sins in written form. So here I am. Confessing my sins to those who I hope will lift me up in prayer and walk with me as I choose to cast off the old self and walk in righteousness with Christ.
First I need to confess the sin against my church and my God. I have willingly taken on the responsibility of helping out in children’s ministries once a month, though I have come each time to teach with a heart that was not full of joy in doing so. I bitterly resented teaching, wishing that I had said no instead of yes. I should count it joy that the Lord would use me to teach young children about the Love of God through teaching his word. But I did not. And I ask for forgiveness from God and my church for my half hearted attempt at teaching. It is my desire that the next time I teach that I would take the time to fully prepare and find the joy in doing so.
Second I would like to confess my bitterness against those who have hurt me in the church, both past and present. There are some that have hurt me, that I have chosen the right path and chose to love and forgive anyway, and those people have a strengthen relationship with me as a result. But then there are those who no matter how much I attempt to love and forgive them for their hurt against me, they continue to hurt me with their words and actions, and my heart has hardened against them for it. And further more, my sin against them is how I keep the hurt locked inside of me, and pretend as if I am not offended by them, while all along my heart is angry against them. I can’t help if someone sins against me, but I can help how I react to their sin toward me. And I should confront them in love and truth, and release the results to God.
Third I would like to confess the sin of pride that plagues my past. While I have alluded to this sin before, I have not fully confessed all I have done. I worked at a summer camp for 8 years, where I tried to be an example of Christ to all who I encountered. I was fired from this job as of July 2012, mid way through the summer. While I disagree for the reason for my being fired, I must admit that my actions leading up to being fired were cause enough for the Lord to remove me from the situation. I believe that the problems at this job began when I lied to the camp director in efforts to protect a co worker. Perhaps she knew I had lied, but perhaps not. But it was this lie that led to my ultimate destruction. I allowed my anger toward another co worker to spiral into the sin of gossip, that led to convincing coworkers that this person was not worthy to work there. This caused division among the team I worked for. If I had taken the time to wait for the Lord in how I should respond in this situation, I would have saved myself from a self destructive pattern. I also must confess the sin of lust while at this camp. I allowed myself to become attracted to a man that led myself desiring a relationship that would be a sin against my body and against God. Pride caused me to think of myself better than most of my coworkers instead of treating them with love and respect. It is because of my sin and my sin alone that caused my downfall at that time in my life. I continue to be haunted by the tragic end to my working at this camp. I walked away feeling bitter and angry against those who fired me, failing to look to myself for the sins I committed. Yes, there were many things I did wrong here, and I would like to take off this weight of sin and walk in freedom from it. I renounce this sin from my past and pray that I will never again pick it up. May I walk in the righteousness given to me by my creator! For those who I have sinned against that worked at this camp, may you forgive me for all that I did wrong.
The fourth sin I would like to confess is the sin against my alma mater. As I look back at Nyack College I remember only the good things that made me come to love the school so much. But as I remember more deeply, I remember the many times I was bitter and angry at key figures in the school. My attitude towards certain professors, or fellow students was not always of one who walks in righteousness of the Lord. I ask for forgiveness from my friends who endured the sinful ways in which I walked. Please forgive me of my sins against you and against my school.
Fifth I would like to confess sin against my family. Most of my family are not Christians, and they look to me as one of the few examples of a personal experience with a Christian. I confess that I have not always acted in a way that was mirroring the life of Christ. I have said and done many things that have been hurtful and unloving. While you have come to forgive me, and continue to walk in a relationship with me, I ask for forgiveness for my sin against you. This also goes to my mother whom I treated with ill respect since my early teenage years. It is for my mother that I am counted as a child of God, and I should take the time to love and thank her, not to be angry and bitter against her. My dear mother, how I love you and thank you for this gift of salvation you brought to me. May I from this point on only treat you with love and respect as the God you have introduced to me would do. Also for my sister, who I have been disconnected with for a few years now. We ended our relationship with words that hurt each other, and cut each other off until just recently. Forgive me dear sister for lashing out back against you instead of showing you love and kindness.
Last I would like to confess the sin of disbelief against my God. Lord, you have told me and shown me that you will always provide for me. You even told me that you would provide all the money I need for the World Race, and while funds have come in more slowly now, you have promised to provide. I am sorry Lord, for not trusting fully in you and for allowing myself to doubt your goodness and your grace. Even if I do not feel you near, may I continue to trust that you have not forgotten me. May I resist the voice of the enemy who tries to convince me that you do not care about my needs. And Lord, may I remember to ask you first what I should do, before I do it, so that I may not be as Joshua and the Israelites as they went to battle the first time against the city of Ai. You, my God, know more than I, the path in which I should take. Guide me in all I do and say.
I publicly confess these things so that those who are reading will know the sins in which I struggle with. That you may walk along side of me and lift me up in prayer and encourage me to do what is right and resist doing what is wrong. In doing so, I hope to be free from sin that weighs me down and holds me back, and will allow the working of the Holy Spirit to be free to do what ever he wants in my life, especially as I go on the World Race. I also ask that if you struggle with sin, please confess it to God. Make your heart right before him, so that you can walk in freedom!
