Wait my child.
Wait patiently for me.
Spend time in my presence.
Don’t rush.
Don’t wish things away.
Don’t second-guess me.
Rest.
Dream.
Seek.
Be filled.
I don’t wish malaria on anyone. The aches, the pains, the exhaustion, the dizziness, the nausea, it’s unlike anything I have experienced before.
And it’s breaking me.
I’ve been pushing through, going to ministry day after day feeling pretty horrible… but chocking up all my sick feelings to “Well, … Africa.”
But then it hit, and it hit hard. I barely made it through morning ministry before I ran back to my bed and crashed. I didn’t want to miss afternoon ministry so I got myself into the van thinking “The lightheadedness and nausea will pass..”
Well it didn’t.
We got to the neighborhood and as soon as I got out of the van I was looking for a corner and rock to sit on.
One of the translators found me and said “You’re coming with me back to the van.”
So I did.. and I cried. I didn’t want to admit I was sick. I felt like it was admitting weakness, defeat. I felt it was being selfish to sit in the van when there are people that need to hear about Jesus. I have always felt that I have control over how I feel. That sickness is all a mind game.
But malaria doesn’t play games.
The tears came with thoughts of “What is it like to feel GOOD?” I can’t remember because it has been so long. Do people actually wake up and feel normal? Healthy? Can people genuinely say “I’m feeling great today?”
So the tears came, the frustration came, and I went to the clinic and came back with a big positive malarial diagnosis. I rested, took medication, and …. felt the same. I went back and was checked again… the large red plus sign was still staring back at me.
Round 2 of stronger medications meant I was literally bed-bound. I tried to stand up, and my legs caved under me and set me right back down. Even sitting up was a struggle.
I’m learning I’m not invincible, and malaria doesn’t mess around. But, many of my precious teammates have told me, “This is God trying to slow you down,” because I don’t know how to rest well. I can’t sit in bed all day. I’m always looking for an adventure, how to seize the moment, how not to miss out.
I don’t think God gave me malaria, but I do believe He works in all circumstances and this time alone with Him has given me so much perspective, and he keeps speaking these words over me.
Wait patiently.
I find I want answers now, I’ve been wanting a plan for after the Race as we are coming up on midway, but he keeps speaking to me “Wait.”
BUT I DON’T WANT TO!
Wait my child.
But other people know what they are doing, or at least have an idea, why can’t you just tell me?
Because, you can’t always be self-sufficient my darling. You need to wait on me, trust in me, do life WITH me, and if I tell you now, you’ll run ahead and stop being present.
Ok Lord, fine.
I’ll wait..
… semi-patiently (I’ve been praying for patience so this feels ironic that He keeps telling me to wait PATIENTLY.)
Here’s to lessons learned while stuck in bed with malaria.
