It wasn’t until I got here, immersed in a culture I didn’t know, a language I didn’t understand, women whom I just met and a few Skype calls back home that I realized I was, indeed, running.
I thought I was all good. I thought I had figured myself out, knew my strengths and weaknesses, what I was passionate about, where I could grow, and where I had wisdom.
But, on this gorgeous island, I realized, I hadn’t been completely honest with myself..
I thought I could run from my feelings, my circumstances, and that being in a different culture and language would erase all my insecurities.
However, I’ve been struggling wondering why I’m still feeling the same things I felt at home. Why are there still societal pressures I have to face even on the other side of the world? I thought I had “gotten over” that and that I was super confident in where the Lord had me.
But, God’s been showing me that, in fact, I’m running.
I knew things weren’t going to be “perfect” upon my return, but I guess I thought they would be perfect while I was gone. But they aren’t.
I’m still asked almost every day, “Why are you single?” “Do you want to get married?” “How many kids do you want?” “What’s your career?”
Blah blah blah.
And now, I can’t hardly articulate an answer because I don’t speak Spanish well. So all I can say is “No se.” – I don’t know. It feels like I’m conceding, giving in, giving up.
Spanish class consisted of learning the phrase “Why are you single?” and giving varying options for answers. One was, that I should pray more.
That felt discouraging, demeaning, disheartening.
Why is having a significant other indicative of the strength of your prayer life?
At least in the States I could articulate an answer to make it sound like I “had it together” but here, it’s more revealing.
I feel naked. Like my body is completely exposed. I’m out of my element, no make-up, the same clothes, and very white skin… there’s nothing to hide behind.
I stand out like a sore thumb.
I left home more confident than ever, and once I landed here, I became the most insecure in my whole life.
God’s been teaching me, no matter where I am in the world or what my circumstances are, I am still the same person, the same soul, with the same struggles, just in a different country, with different people and a new language. So, unless I fully allow Him to come in and replace those insecurities with His truths the vacant space will be filled with what is easy, most common, and readily available. The Lord says in Him we will find rest and in quietness and trust we’ll find strength. But instead we flee, and thus the same things will follow after us.
But God is waiting to be gracious to us and makes himself greater to show us his mercy. We are blessed when we wait for him. When we don’t run away, but rather when we run into His arms.
Isaiah 30:15-18
For thus said the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel. In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength.” But you were unwilling and you said, “No! We will flee upon horses”… “Therefore the Lord waits to be gracious to you and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the Lord is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him.”
