Temporary Tears

I cried this week.  

When I first committed to the race, I was on an emotional seesaw, rocking back and forth between fear and confidence, sadness and joy, tears and laughter.  I was wrestling with God.  I knew He wanted the race for my life, but I didn’t want the race for my life.  I needed His power to get to a place where I could be genuinely excited about leaving behind everything I know and love to enter strange and uncomfortable places to show the love of God to others.  My spirit was willing but my flesh was weak.

Over the course of the last few months, God has performed a miraculous work in me.  He has been preparing my heart for what lies ahead.  My days of fear and sadness have dwindled into much more fleeting moments, and they are fewer and farther between.  I am walking in the joy and confidence of Christ, eager to see what He has planned for the year ahead.  

This week, however, I was reminded of what I am giving up as I go.  I remembered the plans I had for my first year out of college.  I remembered my desire to live near Grant after graduation.  I remembered my personal timeline for employment, engagement, and house hunting.  And I remembered that I’m simply not getting my way in the matter.

As I thought about how much I was leaving behind, discontentment welled up within my soul.  I felt bitter and angry.  I was overwhelmed with emotion.  Envy reared its nasty head as I grumbled on the inside about why I couldn’t do things in my own way and my own time.

After a miserable hour or two of this attitude, I turned my eyes to God and asked, “Why am I so discontent?  Why do I feel this way, God?  I know these emotions and thoughts are not honoring to You, and they’re not even enjoyable for me.  Why am I so overwhelmed with bitterness and envy?”

And I sensed God telling me, “Let yourself grieve what you’re letting go.”  So I did.  I sat in my car and just cried for a while.  I grieved having to tell Grant goodbye.  I grieved the loss of my personal plans and timeline.  I grieved that God has asked me to postpone the life I am watching the friends around me prepare for.

As I cried, God began to show me something.  To go on the race was a choice.  When God called me to this, He told me that I could choose to stay in the US, but I would not experience Him in the same way as I would if I would accept His invitation to follow Him out into the world.

I had a choice between two paths, and I chose this one.  And it’s hard.  And there are sacrifices.  And it doesn’t always feel good.  But God showed me that choosing to stay would have been hard, too.  There would have been sacrifices.  It wouldn’t have always felt good.

I realized that there is no easy way, no painless path.  Every life path brings both joy and pain.  God did not promise us an easy life.  In fact, He promised us the very opposite: “In this world you will have trouble (John 16:33).”

As this revelation dawned on me, I began to pray, “God, I do not ask that You remove the sacrifices from this process.  I do not ask that You make the way easy.  I do not ask that You shield me from all pain.  But I do ask that You hold me when it hurts.  I do ask that You make Your presence known to me, so that I do not think I am in this alone.”  As I prayed that prayer, peace was restored to my soul.

I only shared part of John 16:33 above.  Allow me to finish the sentence: “In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

We are guaranteed to face sacrifice and heartache and pain.  Our hearts will hurt.  But 1 John 3:20 tells us that “God is greater than our heart.”

We do not have to rely upon our own strength or endurance because, as Christians, we carry God’s Spirit within us.  His Spirit is greater than our heart– greater than our emotions, greater than our pains.  He who dwells in us has already overcome every trial we will face.  We do not have to run from trials because we carry the Victor inside of us.

When Jesus was praying for His followers before His crucifixion, He prayed, “I do not ask that you take them out of the world, but that you keep them from the evil one. (John 17:15).”

Jesus didn’t ask God to keep us from the troubles of the world.  He did, however, ask that we would not be lost to the enemy in the process.  He longed for us to remain one with the Father during our trials, that we could draw from that Infinite Source of love, power, and strength.

When we connect with the Father, we are infused with the perfect measure of joy, peace, love, or strength that we need for that trial in that moment.  When my heart was discontent, God was greater than my heart.  When my heart was bitter, God was greater than my heart.  When my heart was envious, God was greater than my heart.  And as I opened my heart to Him, His greatness flooded in and overcame my turbulent emotions.  He calmed the storm in me.  

He did not change my circumstances.  I’m still laying my plans down and leaving people I love behind.  And there will be more times in the months ahead where I am overwhelmed with the need to grieve.  And I will grieve.

But the beauty of a life with Christ is that I never have to wallow in my grief.  I do not have to stay there!  God is greater than the grief in my heart and He shares His Spirit with me so that I am empowered to overcome in every trial.  

I carry that power within me everywhere I go.  I don’t have to shrink back from difficulties in life, and I don’t have to pretend like obeying God is always easy.  I can look those trials head on, grieve the pain, and then move forward in the power of God.

And so can you!  God has promised us that storms will come.  You will face times of heartache and hurt and disappointment.  When those times come, it is okay to grieve.  You do not have to pretend you’re happy about the hurt.  But you don’t have to stay in your grief forever.  Open yourself up to the God who is greater than all that is in your heart.  Allow Him to flood your soul, and He will empower you to walk through the trial in victory.  There is no greater assurance of victory, no greater promise of peace.  Take heart!  You will face trials, but He has already overcome.