The first four months of my race were very difficult. I met unforgettable people and saw beautiful places and enjoyed new ministries and relationships, but I was in a spiritual desert the entire time. I felt distant from God, and I couldn’t figure out how to change it. I felt isolated and forgotten and disappointed, and I wanted to go home.
Then, on New Year’s Day, everything began to change. I had decided not to leave, despite hitting some very rough patches in December, and I finally began to hear from the Lord.
He told me He loved me. He told me He was proud of me. And He told me He was taking me into a new season and doing a new thing. He told me the spiritual desert was over.
And so it was! January in Thailand was so wonderful that I don’t even know how to describe it. I spent more time with Jesus than ever before. I learned what it meant to love someone else with His love, unconditionally. I was freed from anxiety about my body image. I found confidence and joy and freedom and abundant life. The beauty of that month was worth all the pain of the last four.
February in South Africa turned out to be just as wonderful. I quickly fell in love with the 2nd graders and kindergarteners I taught. I felt immediately at home with our church family for the month and always looked forward to the chance to spend time with the youth group. The new sights and sounds of Africa, after 5 months in Asia, took my breath away, and I continued to enjoy hearing from the Lord.
Then, two weeks in to February, I got the impression God wanted me to pray about leaving the race early. I had just had the best six weeks of my race and was finally finding contentment and joy in the ministry and community of the race. I wasn’t really looking for a ticket home.
But I began to pray. I prayed for the same reasons I prayed the first time God laid the World Race on my heart back in the fall of 2012. I prayed because, above all else, I desire to walk in the plan the Lord has for my life.
When I first began to pray over this big decision, I tried to approach the question with human logic. What would make me happier? Which choice would the people in my life most approve of? What option would best set me up for a future of security and happiness?
As the weeks passed and I continued to pray, God sent one little whisper after another that He wanted me to come home. Not once did anything point to it being His will that I stay until the end. My confidence that I was supposed to go home would begin to swell, and then I would allow fears of people’s opinions, fears of feeling or looking like a failure, fears of making the wrong choice and regretting it to steal my peace and send me into a whirlwind of confusion and questioning.
After a month of praying and seeking the Lord, after a month of trying to use my human logic to determine the best option, after a month of trying to determine which path I desired more, God finally revealed something to me…
This wasn’t an opportunity for me to pick the path I desired more.
This wasn’t an opportunity for me to try to figure out what was best for my future.
This wasn’t an opportunity to impress or please others.
This wasn’t an opportunity to use human logic to plan my life.
This was an opportunity to hear God’s beckoning and follow in obedience– and He was asking me to go home in May.
I reminded God of my fears– Would I be failing to complete the race He called me to? Would people disapprove and think I was a quitter? Would people refuse to ever support me on mission trips again? Would I get home and regret my decision as my new friends continued to post pictures and blogs from Eastern Europe?
And clearly but calmly, God whispered to my soul, “If you stay on the World Race because of your fears and a lack of faith, you will return to the spiritual desert that you wandered in the first four months. My plan is for you to return to Camden in May, and delaying obedience until the end of July will not suffice. Trust me.”
So here I am, writing a blog I never would have imagined writing when I launched back in September. I am writing to tell you that, for reasons He hasn’t fully revealed to me yet, God has asked me to return home after month 8 in Ireland.
He has begun to give me small glimpses of His plans for my summer– relationships He wants me to pursue or strengthen, ministry opportunities He has in store– but much remains in the dark. Well, those details are in the dark from where I stand, but Psalm 139:12 reminds me that “darkness is not dark to You… for darkness is as light with You.”
God sees what I cannot. He sees why it is His very best plan for me to return to Camden in May rather August, and I trust Him fully. He is good and His heart is kind. He has nothing but my good and His glory in store, and I will follow Him home just as I followed Him here.
A summer in Camden isn’t as flashy or exciting as traveling around Eastern Europe with the Gospel. It isn’t going to garner nearly as much attention or approval as finishing all 11 months of this beautiful, wonderful, exhilarating journey that is the World Race. But if it’s where God wants me to be, there is literally no place in the world I would rather find myself. There is no place I long to dwell besides in the center of God’s will.
So… there you have it. I’m coming home sooner than expected. Not because I don’t love the race. Not because I’m homesick. Not because I don’t love my ministry here. Not because I don’t love the community I have here. But because Jesus asked me to, and I always want to say “yes” to an invitation from the God of the Universe and the Lover of my Soul, no matter where that “yes” may lead.
Thank you for supporting me through this journey. It has been 18 months since I first committed to the World Race and not a day has passed in that time where I didn’t feel your love and support.
It has been an honor and a joy to bring you with me around the world and share glimpses of God’s mighty works in three different continents. My next chapter may not be as glamorous as backpacking around the world carrying the Gospel, but I am just as eager to see what God has in store for me, and I hope that God continues to give me opportunities to share my walk with you.
I love you all, and I cannot wait to hug you, in person, very, very soon.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.
To God be the glory.
