It was New Year’s Eve, and I was getting ready to kick off 2014 in Bangkok, Thailand. Alana had done the research and scoped out the best place to celebrate. There would be music and a ferris wheel and a night market and a pier and a countdown and fireworks, and it would be a NYE I would never forget.
We were standing in line for the public ferry over to the party when my pulse quickened and my mind began to race.
I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to get on a crowded ferry and go bring in the new year with thousands of strangers. I don’t care if it’s my only chance to celebrate NYE in a foreign country. I want to get out of here right now, and I want to bring in 2014 with Jesus. I want to be with Him more than anything in the world right now.
I offered my apologies to my friends and took the first taxi I could find back to the hostel. I grabbed my Bible and headed for the 6th floor patio. My team leader Rachel sat a few chairs over. On the way to celebrate, she, too, had an overwhelming desire to come back and be with Jesus.
I took a breath of fresh air and began to scribble my thoughts to the Father in my journal. I could breathe. I could think. I could feel Jesus’s presence. I knew that I was exactly where I was meant to be.
After a few minutes, Rachel told me that two other girls had stayed back and were going to have a worship night to bring in the new year, so we decided to join them. From 11:00 to 12:00, I sat on Rachelle’s bed and sang along to her guitar. We read scripture aloud intermittently and just soaked in the goodness of Jesus.
As I sat in His presence, the Father began to speak over this new year, new team, and new season. He spoke of the happiness to come, of the new work He was doing, of how He longed for me to spend more time in His presence, about the shift that was occurring.
He told me He was turning barrenness to fruitfulness, drought to drenching, doubt to faith, depression to joy, bitterness to thanksgiving, and fear to peace.
As we counted down to midnight, we suddenly heard loud booming and all rushed up to the patio in our bare feet.
Much to our surprise, we could see firework shows in every direction all over the city! There were big bursts of light and showers of glitter and even floating lanterns lazily climbing up, up, up.
And for the first time in months, my soul was consumed with joy. I jumped and clapped my hands and beamed as I watched the show that God had planned for me.
Nothing has been the same since that moment. I am full of love and gratitude and joy and peace. I am enjoying every minute I get to spend with the Father and soaking in the promises He is speaking over me and the love He is pouring out on me.
I believe I am entering the Promised Land– a season of intimacy with God. I am overwhelmed with gratitude to be serving in Chiang Mai this month, reaching out to prostitutes in the red light district. I am filled with love for my new team, eager to get to know each of them and learn from them. I am ready to give my all in this last month of Asia and soak in every single moment.
I don’t want to go home anymore. I want to stay here, for here is exactly where I’m meant to be.
I’m not naive. There will be more hard days, and I’m sure the desire to go home will surface again. But I truly believe that God is ushering in a new season of joy, and that the desire to leave is going to diminish as I bask in His presence and commit to staying in the center of His will.
God is faithful. Spiritual deserts are real, but they don’t last forever. God has used the last four months to strengthen my faith and teach me endurance. He has used them to humble me so that I would learn to submit to Him and trust Him even when my flesh was fighting it.
It was the hardest spiritual season of my life, but I wouldn’t change a single minute of it. It has brought me here– to a new beginning, to the brink of something beautiful.
To all of my supporters– thank you. When I was too weak to run this race, you helped propel me forward. AIM staff, thank you for answering my questions and encouraging me to stay and allowing me the space to question and cry and doubt. Team Sozo, thank you for rubbing my back when I cried and praying for me and fighting for me in this dark season. Friends who texted, commented, and emailed, thank you for those little drips of grace that kept me going one day at a time. Mom, thank you for always being just a phone call away and supporting me no matter where I am. Grant, thank you for not telling me to come home, for reminding me this is where I was meant to be, and for listening to me cry even when there was nothing you could do to fix it.
I love all of you so much. Thank you for running alongside me in this crazy, frightening, difficult, exhilarating, wonderful World Race.
