I’ve gained weight on the race.
I was in the best shape of my life when I left, but now I can see it all slipping away.
When I compare month one pictures to month five pictures, I can see my face getting rounder and my stomach getting softer. (Please don’t feel the need to go check up on that for me.)
Any muscle definition I gained through CrossFit is fading.
I don’t want to tell you those things. I don’t want to draw attention to those things I’m most insecure about. I don’t want you checking out my photos and watching my videos and thinking, “Oh, she’s right. I can see it. She’s definitely changed in the past few months.”
I don’t want to be vulnerable about this, but I’m going to be anyway because I know that there are countless World Race women out there who feel the exact same way.
And I know there are countless more future World Race women already stressing and worrying about how this year will change their bodies.
And I know there are even more women who aren’t even planning to spend a year in a world of rice and bread and limited workout options, who live on Main Street, USA, and still face the same insecurities and body image struggles.
I’ve spent a lot of energy on this battle in the past few months, ladies.
I’ve deleted photos in once-in-a-lifetime places with some of the world’s most precious people because I hated the way my body looked.
I’ve journaled about insecurities in my quiet time.
I’ve opened up to Grant about it, desperate for some sort of guarantee that he would still find me beautiful if I came home 15 pounds heavier.
I’ve sat around with teammates and lamented the changes happening to us all.
I’ve worked hard to reverse what is happening– from trying to grasp at control of my diet (which is quite difficult on the World Race) to dedicating myself to working out in whatever way I can.
I’ve made healthy decisions some days and devoured packs of Oreos in frustration other days.
It’s been exhausting.
Then, last week, everything changed.
Jesus had a long talk with me about how beautiful I am. And even though my jeans are still tight and my face is still rounder and I still have six more months of living with little control over my diet and exercise options, I feel more beautiful than I have ever felt before.
Here is what He said to me– and what He is saying to you, too.
I am the Creator of beauty and the Author of love.
And I am enraptured by your beauty.
You find My waterfalls and galaxies breathtaking, but beloved, they pale in comparison to you.
The waterfalls and galaxies do not capture my attention and my heart.
You do.
I did not die for waterfalls and galaxies.
I died for you.
I do not prepare a place for waterfalls and galaxies to join me in eternal intimacy.
I beckon you.
You are altogether beautiful, My love. There is no flaw in you! (Song of Solomon 4:7)
People and culture try to define beauty, but they do not have that authority.
I created beauty and I will declare what is and is not beautiful.
I declare you are breathtaking. You are captivating.
The world around you has told you that you are flawed– your stomach or your facial features or your hair.
But, beloved, I see you fully and declare that there is no flaw in you! You are beautiful as you are.
I am God, the Beginning and the End, the Creator of All, the Father of Lights and it is YOU who moves me with delight.
As these words washed over me, they changed me forever. I am the object of Perfect Love’s undivided attention. I am beautiful because that Love is poured out on me, adores me as I am, and is constantly transforming me into someone even more beautiful.
I have never felt so beautiful and confident. My beauty is no longer rooted in the shape of my stomach, which can change in the matter of days, but in the unmoving and unchanging Love of God.
Reader, I want you to feel the depths of His joy in you. I want you to see yourself as the Creator of Beauty sees you– ravishing.
Please join me in diving into the depths of love and beauty:
Grab your Bible and move to somewhere peaceful– a quiet corner where the world can’t interrupt and disagree with what God is declaring.
Turn to Song of Solomon and read aloud the parts written by the Bridegroom. Jesus, your Husband and the Lover of your soul, has written you a love letter in which He declares His delight in Your beauty.
Soak that in, and then listen to the song below. Sing it. Believe it.
Delight in the wonder that you are you today. Abba already does.
