I’ve spent the last week or so really grieving the people, places, and life that I’m leaving behind in just seven days.
This month of “lasts” has hurt a lot and, in my pain, I’ve begun withdrawing from God.
I keep my quiet times short and almost never listen to worship music. My prayers are more like a list of requests than a conversation.
It’s not that I’m angry at God or that I don’t believe He’s there. I’ve just been scared.
I’ve been scared that pressing into God with raw vulnerability would lead to more heartache.
I’ve been scared that He would poke at bleeding wounds to show me where I still haven’t let go.
I’ve been scared He wouldn’t answer when I called and I’d have to leave on this race wondering if He’s even there or even cares.
To protect my heart, I’ve tried hiding it and numbing it. I have spent hours scrolling through Facebook or Instagram or Twitter because when I’m doing that, it’s easy to turn my brain off and escape from the reality that launch is almost here and that I’m not going to see the people I love for a year and that my heart hurts.
Although I have had glimmers of excitement and joy, most of the time I’ve dealt with anxiety and sadness and fear. I have only slept through the night once in the past 8 or so days.
This morning, I woke up again to my now familiar companions– anxiety and worry and heartache. For some reason, though, I responded a little bit differently today.
As I got in the car to go have lunch with a dear friend, I plugged in my iPod and, for the first time in a while, played my worship music on shuffle.
The first song was Phil Whickam’s “Safe” and reminded me, “You will be safe in His arms. You will be safe in His arms. The hands that hold the world are holding your heart. This is the promise He made; He will be with you always. When everything is falling apart, You will be safe in His arms.”
Next on shuffle was Matt Papa’s “This Changes Everything.” In it, he recounts the wonder of the Gospel and then proclaims, “If this is true, this changes everything. If this is real, I’ve got to tell the world. If He is God, then I’ve got a choice to make. If I believe, then I must follow Him.”
The songs reminded me of why I’m going and Who I’m going with. They spoke Truth into my life and helped me remember what I had forgotten in this season of goodbyes and my efforts at self-numbing.
As I worshipped, the weight of anxiety and sadness lifted just a teensy bit.
As Matt Papa’s song drew to a close, I pulled up to the restaurant and went in to join my friend. As we were sitting there enjoying our lunch, a man walked up to me and said, “Excuse me, you’re Kaleigh Ward, right? I go to Bethel and I heard your story when you talked the other week and I just wanted to tell you that I am so excited about what you’re doing. Your story really blessed me and I just want you to know I’m going to be praying for you and may God bless you for what you’re doing.”
As He encouraged me, the weight lifted a little bit more.
Then, as the waitress came to bring our checks, she informed me that the same gentleman had paid for my lunch! I was so surprised and grateful! I’ve had to spend a lot of money lately on my final purchases and, since I haven’t worked since the spring, it’s been difficult to see my bank account dwindle. Not having to break out my debit card for lunch was a huge relief!
As I listened to the waitress give this news, the heaviness in my soul lightened yet again.
I spoke with the gentleman and his wife once more before they left. They continued to encourage me, saying they hoped to continue giving to my personal account throughout the year. They told me they would be praying for me and that it did their hearts good to see what I was doing.
As they smiled at me and encouraged me, I felt the weight grow even lighter.
From lunch, I went to a local alteration shop to have some shorts altered for the race. When I walked in, there was a woman I had never seen before chatting with the owner of the shop in Spanish. Because I understood some of what they were saying, I tried to join the conversation. As I attempted, in my broken Spanish, to explain my upcoming mission trip, the visitor exclaimed in English, “You’re the girl from Bethel! I’m the one who goes to Bethel’s Spanish church who donated to you months ago!”
My hands flew to my mouth in awe. I had never met this lady before, but when the pastor of Bethel’s Spanish church told the congregation back in the winter about my trip, this lady had sent me a kind note and a donation. I had never dreamed I’d actually meet her! Before I even had a chance to to tear up good, she said, “Wait right here! I want to see if I have anything else!” She ran out to her car and came back with some money and pressed it into my hand. She said, “You are going to spread the Word, right? This is such a good thing! I want to help!”
As I walked out to my car, the heaviness that had plagued me lifted completely.
I was overwhelmed by the love of these people and, even more, the love of my Father.
As I praised Him for the many blessings He was pouring out on me, I began to realize this day was about much more than even just the encouragement I received in each moment from these people whom I didn’t even know.
Through these interactions, God was saying, “You can trust me. I’m not going to hurt you. As you give your life to me, I am going to pour out blessings into your life. You are going to experience many more days like today! You do not have to hide in fear anymore. The life you are about to step into will bring you joy and wonder and peace, not fear and anxiety and pain. Choose to be all in, Kaleigh. Do not hold back. When you choose “all in” with me, you will open yourself up to all the blessings I want to pour out on you.”
When I chose to sing along with my Worship playlist today, I pulled back– just a tiny bit– the heavy shades that had been hiding my heart, and when I did, God flooded my heart with His light. He poured into the small space I had given Him and widened it so that I could receive even more from Him.
As I sit here, I can still feel Satan trying to tempt me to anxiety and fear and worry, trying to lure me into drawing the shades tight again, shielding and numbing my heart. But instead, I am sitting before the Lord saying, “I choose You. I trust You. Continue to open my heart to receive more of you. Protect me. Fight for me. Love me. I want more of You. I am finally choosing to turn to You.”
I don’t know what will happen from here, but I do know one thing: I am safe in His arms.
What about you? Are you afraid to be vulnerable with God? Do you imagine Him as a strict disciplinarian, a disappointed father, a distant being? Do you turn to social media, food, alcohol, or relationships to numb your heart? You are not alone. I’m getting ready to work as a missionary and I’m struggling with these same things! Don’t let Satan keep you trapped in this place. When you finally open up to the Lord, He will flood your heart with freedom, joy, peace, and abundant life. Let’s step out together into the fullness of God and the life He wants for us. In the words of Peter…
“Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.”
1 Peter 5:7
