This story is a little harder to tell, because I’ll be honest, I see it as a little harder to “sell” to people because redemption hasn’t come…yet.
I am about to share with you the story of one of the kindest men I have met in the past 10 months, a Christian man, who despite his desire to live a holy and respectable life, finds himself every weekend in the bar, buying women for sex.
As before, please take 30 seconds of silence or longer if needed before reading this story. Please fight the thoughts and feelings of judgment and resist the urge of thinking it is your moral responsibility to view my friend as anything other than perverted and weak. I am relying heavily on the Lord to help me on this one because the beautiful ending showing God’s redemptive love isn’t as obvious here, though there are moments when it is apparent that His Love for my friend is strong.
We were wrapping up our small group discussion at church about what it means to live a holy life, when one church member asked “Is it evil, meaning the influence of Satan, that causes us to persist in the same sins over and over again, or is it our lack of love and respect for God?” After a few people chimed in with their thoughts, we prayed and ended our weekly chat. Afterward, I introduced myself to the man who asked that question, because I felt the Holy Spirit prompt me to ask him more about what was going on in his life. We had some surface level spiritual chat for a few minutes, and then we both made the brave decision to take the conversation to a deeper level. I knew that God put me there at that moment because He had given me the power to lovingly encourage this man, no matter what he told me next. My friend Christopher*, admitted that the Lord told him that it was a safe space to share his burden, that he needed to share it and not hold back. Christopher asked to pray first, so we held hands, sat in silence for a while, and then prayed out loud, in turns, for several minutes. When we opened our eyes, I saw the shame and guilt written all over his face. His hands, which were holding mine, were shaking. I nearly cried right then and there. I had a feeling of what he was going to tell me, and in that moment I felt badly for the women yes, but I also felt so sad and embarrassed for him, having to admit his guilt to a woman just like the ones he dehumanizes and objectifies weekly.
He first told me the story of his family, their feuds, and the battle for all of them to stay employed and keep food on the table. He admitted that the pressure was great and that at the end of each work week he just wanted some sort of relief. He told me he had been Christian all of his life, and knew that fornication was one of those big sins you should never touch. He told me that in his culture and his childhood church, it was not possible to be both a Christian and a fornicator, you had to be either one or the other, and there was no tolerance or redemption for those who fell short of his culture’s standard for a “good Christian“. He knew, so early in life, that he had missed the mark, but he was still hoping to turn his life around. He wanted to be reconciled with God and feel like a strong family man again, especially since nobody in his family knew what was going on.
He explained to me his weekly struggle. During the week he worked, came home to his family, and did his best to love and be there for everyone. He was the mediator between family members who were not talking to one another, and he tried to keep a steady job for the times when others were laid off. He wanted to make his family proud and live up to their expectations and need for perfection, but at the end of the week, no matter how strong his resolve, the burden of human perfection smashed him, and he found himself in the club, looking for the right woman to relieve all the pressure, and make him feel strong again. Even though he and his family worked hard to make money each week, and often there was not much of it, he still took that money, and paid for sex to momentarily relieve his stress. Night after night he would go out, and in the morning, he felt the weight of his sin surrounding him, and the fear that his family would find out and fall apart if they ever knew. He would promise himself he would not to go back to the club. Sometimes his resolve wouldn’t last more than 12 hours and sometimes it lasted for weeks, but eventually he found his way back, spending his money, hurting himself, the women, and his family all over again.
He told me how the other men at the bars who were buying women next to him would mock him because he was a supposed Christian but acted, outwardly at least, just like the rest of them. He knew his church family would condemn him if he admitted his crimes, and he tried praying, but it was mainly for forgiveness because Jesus couldn’t possibly want to have anything to do with him while he still acted this way, before he got his life together.
Yet there we were. He was telling me, a church member, and expecting not to be condemned but encouraged. While we were talking, he was in essence telling God about it, and hoping that he would be met with love, encouragement, and hope that he wasn’t completely evil and condemned, and that he did still have a place and value as a child of God.
After he finished talking, we prayed, hugged, and smiled. We were both relieved. We both felt like our faith was tested and that we came out on top. He was proud for having been honest in the daylight about what he does at night in the darkness, and I was proud that through Jesus, I didn’t judge him but instead loved and respected him as my brother and wanted so badly to see his deliverance. We became friends after that day and talked more about his struggle, and how Jesus loved him and wanted to help him, but we also talked about light-hearted things. He prayed for me on days when I needed encouragement, and I prayed for him, and still continue to pray, that he would see God’s love is not condemning but restorative and redemptive. I also prayed that God would bless him with a community of Christians that would be a physical sign of Christ’s love here on earth, that are willing to walk with him through this and help him overcome.
As far as I know, my friend Christopher still struggles with using women as a way to escape the pressures and demands of his life. Still, he has hope, and I have hope, that his faith and importantly his trust in God’s unconditional love, will help him see that casting our burdens on God is the only way to find relief and peace. I pray that God renews his heart so that he can see the women at the bar as women again, as Daughters of Zion, and as his sisters. Finally, I pray for his church community, that they are not voices of condemnation in his head, and that they don’t judge the women selling their bodies as unworthy of God’s love, but rather that they are a powerful and visible sign of God’s light and love for all of His children, no matter their sin.
Stay tuned, Part IV/the conclusion of this blog is up next!
*Christopher’s name has been changed.
