There is a song by Tracy Chapman called Fast Car. In high school, some of us would pile in my car and speed down the road singing it at the top of our lungs. It’s about the moment in life just before we decide to live out our dreams or let them die. We have two choices she says, “Leave tonight or live and die this way.” If you chose life, “Take your fast car and keep on driving. ” I always knew I would be OK. I knew the very source of love itself and so did my family. But many of my friends, especially in middle school and high school, had families that sought to uproot their dreams and passions and esteem. And worst of all, the gentle uplifting voice of the Spirit had been drowned out by a selfish world. When we’d all pile in my car in high school and speed down the highway , I dreamt that when I went away to college I would bring them all with me into a new life, where we all belonged, and could all be someone. Ten years after leaving home to go to college, I still feel guilty that only person in my fast car leaving out of town at the age of 18, was me.
This all resurfaced a couple of nights ago when my team and I were sitting in yet another feedback session with hurt feelings, frustration, and guilt. Every day as a team on the World Race we sit down and give each other positive feedback about what we did well, and constructive feedback about the things that could have been done better.Constructive feedback is not to be confused with constructive criticism. Ideally criticism has no place among the people of God. However since we all have 21 years + experience with constructive criticism and only 2 months experience with the more encouraging and compassionate constructive feedback, we often revert back to our old ways. Living with a group of missionaries is not any different from living with a group of non believers except we are honest with each other about our weaknesses and judgements and we know to carry them to the Lord. That’s what the two greatest commandments in action look like. My team (R.O.A.R is our team name, Renewed On Abba’s River) has had a rough start. We are 7 women with very different and very strong personalities. We are beautiful inside and out with great potential but we have a lot of ugliness in each of us because of things done to us and things we did to ourselves and to others in the past.
Together we are working through the dark places in our hearts so that we can bear witness to “the light of men”. (John 1 : 2) I’ll admit everyday for us is a battle and I find myself going to bed at night feeling guilty for not being a better mediator, feeling ashamed for having weaknesses, and feeling exhausted from having to try so hard just to get through the day. But just like with my believing I could solve my friends’ problems with a fast car, my wanting to be the perfect one or even the savior of my team is nothing more than pride. And I am weighing myself down with it. John the Baptist said it best, “I am not the Christ. ” Jesus is the ultimate mediator, all things were made through Him. (John 1:3) In my weakness, I am strongest because that’s when I admit my need for Christ and allow Him to work greatness through me. (2 Corinthians 12:10) I am exhausted because I forgot the source of my strength and have been trying stubbornly my whole life to be The Christ; to be the Head rather than one small part of the body. I am not the Christ and I am tired of trying to be. I honestly have nothing left.
So I find myself at another crossroad like the one Tracy described. I can accept that God’s timing for my team’s healing and renewal has been established and I don’t have the power to change that. Or I can die of exhaustion from trying to prove to God that my way and my timing is better. Choosing life here on the World Race, though beautiful, never boring, and always rewarding, is rarely as appealing as speeding away in a jaguar to the destination of your dreams leaving all the pain of the past behind. Chosing life on the Race and Life in God means facing the past so that every wound can be healed, making our bodies perfect and able to enjoy every good thing. Healing and letting go of the ego are never pretty or glamorous like fast cars, but I’ll take my chances anyway on the Holy Spirit express.
*Thank you all for your support! Sorry about the lack of photos. We have really limited access to the internet and it has been really slow. I have taken lots of pictures and video and I will upload them as soon as possible!
