One of my squad mates posted on Facebook that we have officially been on the World Race for 100 days! Me and the rest of my team were blown away. My teammate’s first reaction was “No wonder we all hate each other!” (This was not meant literally of course!) We all laughed knowing that for everyone, the bloom is definitely off the rose and we are a little tired of being with the same people, well people in general, a mandatory 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Our next thought as a team was, “No wonder we’ve grown so much and handle obstacles and conflict so well!” This is the war that takes place every day on the Race, doubt vs. faith; Flesh vs. Spirit. The doubt and discontentment cause the Flesh to focus on the challenges and all the things lacking in our world traveling adventure with Jesus and His disciples, while the Faith and Hope cause the Spirit to rejoice always in the good work that God is doing in us and the many unforeseen blessing that come our way.
Everyday is a battle. It has not gotten easier. In fact is it has gotten less and less comfortable with each passing day. This is not a bad thing, rather a sign of immense growth. I am less able to be tolerant of my selfish ways than I was at the beginning of the Race. I am less comfortable with gossip and apathy. I am now extremely restless if I do not spend my morning first with Jesus giving Him the first fruits of my day. I am less able to ignore my conscience when it shows me the subtle ways in which I have been unloving even when others around me see nothing worth. Discomfort is tiresome to the to my Flesh but encouraging for my Spirit.
This is what it sounds like everyday in my head: Do I want to get up right now to be “alone” with Jesus? No. I want to sleep more, it is the only time I can truly escape people. Do I want to deal with my resulting impatience with everyone and everything if I do not start my day with at least one hour alone with the Lord? No, that’s far more draining than sacrificing this extra hour of sleep. Ok, get up. Do I feel like saying good morning to all of my teammates? No, they didn’t all say hello/good morning to me. Is that Jesus talking or your inner 6 year old? Grow up! Say good morning and smile! Ok. Do I feel like saying good morning to my ministry host or the hostel owner? Of course! They are new and exciting! Am I looking forward to ministry today? Yes, though I am tired. Ministry, no matter what form feeds my soul and Spirit in a way that no conversation can. Plus, my Spanish comprehension has grown by leaps and bounds and I am actually proud myself for learning so much! Am I looking forward to team time and feedback today? Not really. It could be fun. Yes is could be fun but it will likely be unpleasant for part of the time. That sounds like doubt talking not faith. You’ve been having fun with your team all day! Walk by faith! Fine. I will try having a positive attitude. Tonight on the town with the ministry host was fun! It sure is refreshing having new people around. Thank God for free food and ice cream galore! This city is BEAUTIFUL! I love the people here! Do I want to spend my last moments awake with Jesus, my teammates, or Harry Potter. That’s easy, Harry Potter!! You will sleep better and wake up and have better quality time with Jesus in the morning if you spend time with Him now and practice loving your teammates during your “free time“. True, but I am on book 7 of Harry Potter and it is the perfect distraction from my sinful nature which I have been evaluating all day. Harry Potter it is! Well at least pray, check on one or two of your teammates, and read a Psalm after Harry Potter and just before sleeping. Deal! Good night.
This a snippet of the battle that takes place within me daily. The above conversation (which sadly for my teammates often takes place out loud) does not cover battles with fears or with teammates, or with God. Today I was fortunate enough to attend Bible Study in English (a very rare thing these days) and the pastor talked about how God’s word is compared to a seed many times in the gospel. The pastor said that often times when God’s word is planted as a seed in our hearts, we are excited at first and watch expectantly. Over time however, if the growth is not as fast as we would like we dig up that seed undoing the work that was done. He referred to the Israelites who took 40 years to travel what should have only taken them 5 days to walk. It took them 40 years worth of seasons to learn what could have been learned in just one. The pastor looked me right in the eyes and said, “Don’t let it take longer than one season.” I knew this was God telling me that the things going on within me now are needed to prepare me for the next step, so I must not uproot what He has already done.
I didn’t come on the World Race looking for answers from God, or even necessarily with the goal of growing closer to Him, though I knew our relationship would become stronger because of this journey. I came on the Race simply because God asked me to and I told Him a long time ago that because He has done such AMAZING things for me, I will do whatever He asks. Little did I know that in calling me to do missionary work away from home, God was actually calling me to accept His help with this battle between my Flesh and my Spirit. He wanted me to see that I am ill-equipped to handle it without Him. God has called me to training camp for becoming a Warrior of Light so that I will be fit for battles ahead.
So the battle continues. I refuse to surrender before the final victory of the Spirit is won and I know I will one day be able to say, “ I have fought the good fight. I have finished the Race. I have kept the faith. Now there is a crown waiting for me. It is given to those who are right with God. The Lord, who judges fairly will give it to me on the day he returns. He will not give it only to me. He will also give it to all those who are longing for him to return. “ 2 Timothy 4:7-8
Thank you Kaycie O’Neil for telling me that the reason Jesus isn’t making it all better is because He wants us to step!
