Last night was our second time attending aguapanela- a night where we go to an area with a large population of homeless people most of whom are addicts of some form and hand out aguapanela and bread. I simply wasn’t ready to be hit so hard by what I saw. Last week we pulled up to an area of the city that was full of hundreds of homeless people, the vast majority of whom were drunk, high, or on their way to becoming one of the two. It was difficult and humbling but this week was somehow different.
A popular worship song, one that I know I’ve sung many times, implores God to “break my heart for what breaks Yours” and last night, He did. I simply wasn’t ready.
I wasn’t ready for my heart to be absolutely torn apart.
I wasn’t ready to greet people and look into their eyes and see emptiness.
I wasn’t ready for addiction to be so up close and personal.
I wasn’t ready for my heart to break for the pain God feels for these people but it happened.
God broke my heart for what breaks His and I can’t tell you how many times I have sang that song without realizing the magnitude of what I was singing. Now I sit here unable to get over the pain He has shown me and a part of me wishes He would take it back.
The selfish truth is: I don’t want my heart broken like this.
I don’t want to hurt like this but this isn’t about me. This is about God and loving His people the way Jesus loves them. If this is what it takes to follow Jesus, then I am ready for my heart to be broken a thousand times over- and I mean it because now, I understand. I needed God to break my heart. I needed to feel the pain and empathy He feels toward His hurting children. I needed to feel that pain that He feels when I stray from Him.
I wasn’t ready but now, I am.
