Prayers of blessings to my beautiful Family and Friends today!
As I am sitting on my porch, escaping from the thoughts and reminders of the Race that are found in the bags and items that need to be packed in my room and getting lost in our Creator, I was startled by the sudden loudness and strength of wind that was blowing through the leaves of the trees and the petals of the flowers. I was reminded, my God is not a tame God. I cannot have Him in that box.
At Training Camp, I discovered that the Creator and God that I followed was not the God that created all things in the universe, the God that sent His Son to free me from the bondage of sin, the God that loves each and everyone of us, the God that is Life. I was keeping Him in a safe box that was One to be afraid of when I sinned and One that could do the miracles that are in the Bible but He wouldn't ever do the miracles for my own life. I was playing it safe and being conservative.
God took the mask off my eyes, took out my earplugs and pursued me with open arms at Training Camp.
Training Camp was so exciting because I got to see my World Race Family and start this new adventure. I knew that the week was supposed to be challenging and hard, but I didn't see how. I felt like I dealt with all of my problems before and that the week was going to be a breeze. So while I expected God to change me, I thought it was going to be in some other way than dealing with the past that I was already "healed" from.
The first night of worship, I was so frustrated because the past kept coming back. The hurts were holding me back. The thoughts of unworthiness, not being loved, the thoughts of how I chose my path were crushing my spirit. The thought of me being ready for the Race before Training Camp quickly diminished. I was so scared and feeling so unprepared.
As the nights went on, those whispers were starting to become louder and louder in my ears. That was all I could hear each night I stepped into the area where we would sing praises to God, where we would listen to the speakers and write down notes. All I could think about was "God, I don't even know why I agreed to this in the first place. I don't know who You are. I want to praise You for who You are, but I can't even say 'I love You' right now." This was a problem. I thought everything was going well, I thought I was doing alright in the terms of my relationship with God.
I was so focused on my past and feeling unloved and having a hard time of loving myself that I couldn't love God. Love is not a feeling. Love is a decision. God is Love: God is love, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God abides in him–1 John 4:16b.
I read 1 John just trying to focus on God and His love, but I could not get it to sink in that God is so good and that His Love is pure and true.
It was not until Tuesday where I was starting to feel alive, start to understand God's love for me. That He is pursuing me and always has been.
We had a night of Grieving the Seasons of Our Lives where we learned that we must grieve the painful losses of the past seasons of our life before we can effectively embrace the present and the future. Some important things I learned about grief were: that if we've gone through pain and loss, we cannot just replace it, we need to fix it; we are not sick trying to get healthy, we are healthy shaking off the sickness; loss brings about the need for grief; and when we don't grieve we deaden our hearts and compartmentalize our lives.
We were all given the chance to grieve our past and what a freeing night that was. I grieved about the lies of being unworthy, unwanted, impure, ugly, and imperfect. While I was questioning why I was not wanted and why I still hurt from the past when our beautiful and encouraging Squad Leader, Melina, came up and whispered into my ear what God was telling her. He said I was wanted, I was His princess, His daughter, His child, He is crazy about me, He sees me the same way as before. He has made me new, I am perfect.
It still brings tears to my eyes and joy to my heart to hear those words from Him. For a long time I did not like my name, Kaitlyn, which means Pure. I was not pure in any way. But I am. God sees me as pure. He sent His Son, Jesus Christ, to die for me. He has forgiven my past and my future. I am pure. I am pure! My name reminds me so much of how God sees me and how much He loves me to forgive all my sins.
It blows my mind how much I cannot contain my Father in this little box and how Wild He really is and how Free I am in Him.
After the night of grieving, there was a picture that was in my head::
I was looking at an ocean, it was an ocean of tears. The ocean tide waves were receding and not coming back. I was holding my Father's hand and we were walking away. We were dressed in white and He was looking down at me, smiling and telling me that I am His beloved. I looked down at our hands and saw the scars from the nails that showed me how much He really does love me.
Love and blessings to you all,
Kaitlyn Michele
I am Pure.
Prayer:: to continue to seek God more and more.
Love of God
Overflow
Permeate
All my soul
[Fill Me Up, Jesus Culture]
"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18
