I have a voice.
I have authority in my voice.
These were not always truths in my life. I believed that my voice was timid, not accepted, weak, not valued, I allowed myself to be intimidated by what other's said. I believed these lies my whole life. I would allow Truth to not pass through my lips because I believed that what I had to say was not worth anything in this world.
From the past two months on the World Race, I have finally found my Voice.
Let me start from the beginning:
In India, I was given the word: VOICE. It was hard for me to believe this word was meant for me from the Lord because I never believed that I was gifted with this. I struggled with preaching the gospel in India because I didn't know I could preach. I was intimidated by my other teammates. I didn't know how to formulate words and have them make sense when preaching. I was afraid because I never felt prepared. So I stayed quiet all month (I did create a challenge for preaching the gospel twice the last week were there, but under circumstances, I only preached once).
In Nepal, I didn't really ever have to preach. I was so thankful that we did not have a lot of village ministry and that the pastor always called on other teammates to preach the gospel. The last week we were in Haripur, our pastor wanted another team member and I to preach. I was terrified at the thought of that but was going to be obedient to challenges and growth. I had a week to prepare anyways. However, I never got around to preparing and by the end of the week, the pastor wanted a team member to preach and the rest of us to come up, share a verse and preach on it for a few minutes. I was relieved that I only had to talk for a few minutes and I knew exactly what verse I was going to talk about (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18: Be joyful always, pray continually and give thanks in all circumstances for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus). Later in the week when we had team time, we had to use one word to describe each member. One word that was given to me was Voice. I was encouraged that when I speak, people listen, that there is knowledge in what I say, and I was encouraged to continue using my voice and challenging myself.
I knew this word had meaning in my life. I came to realize that I have a voice. I have been given a story and I have the Holy Spirit living in me. It's not about me that needs to get across to people when preaching or talking. I just let the Lord speak through me and I need to respond in obedience to what He is speaking through me.
So this past couple of weeks, I really learned that I want to challenge myself in using my voice and just fighting Truth with the lies that I have believed my whole life and that listening to God's voice is of so much importance. So at debrief, we learned that as women, we have authority. We are queens. Which means we are given the same authority as our King. We can raise people from the dead, we can heal the blind, we can heal the sick, we can walk on water all because the Lord lives in us and He has that authority. So it is time for us to realize that same authority and use it! We are not only daughters, but queens. It was incredible when I heard that talk. It was so confirming to what the Lord has already been teaching me and just revealing to me.
So for our last worship session, we did an exercise where we all got in a circle and the 4 leaders (2 coaches and 2 squad) were going to go around and pray for each one of us where we find our "voice" and declare what the Lord is speaking to us. So I freaked out. "No way am I going to cry out anything, especially YELL out anything! That is ridiculous!" I was starting to plot what I could do, either laugh because that's the simple way out and that's what I am really good at, sit down and not have anyone pray over me, etc. But then I decided that I don't want to just want to stay where I am. I am not here to return home the same. I am here to grow. So goodness gracious, I am going to grow! So I stopped fighting with God with what I wanted to do, but to let Him take control and lead. I am so tired of fighting and caring what people think. It's not about me or what I think others will think of me, but what the Lord is going to do in those people's lives and whether or not they go to Heaven or Hell.
So after giving myself up, I said, "God, I am done, take control. Speak to me. I need to hear You. I am so tired of my voice, I want to hear Your Voice. Speak to me." As soon as I said that, God was telling me how I have authority, I have a voice. That the lies I believed about my voice being timid and weak, unimportant and not worthy enough were lies, lies, lies! He lives in me. He is my Voice. So as I was praying, I just sat down and rested in His presence and was just completely overwhelmed by Him. I was just so happy! As I was sitting, I said I wanted more, but then a minute later was thankful for where I was and just being with Him. That I was resting in Him. It was beautiful! I was crying and just sitting, bowing down, just so joyful and at rest. So to just be so overwhelmed by Him and what I learned this week and reflecting on the past 2 months, it was amazing. So then Joel, one of our squad leaders, asked if there was anyone else that had not been prayed for. I raised my hand and continued to just sit and pray. A few minutes later, Selena (our squad mom) came up to me and squatted next to me. She then looked into my eyes and asked if we could stand up because she felt that the Lord had something big for me. She then looked again into my eyes and said, "You are so beautiful." I have a hard time accepting comments like this from people, but am learning with each comment how to accept and believe what is spoken to me. So I did, she told me at training camp that my eyes are so beautiful. And so I do. I believe it. I believe I am beautiful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139). I am God's masterpiece (Ephesians 2:10). She then started speaking in tongues (which I want to do so bad! I keep praying that one day I will) and then said that the Lord was telling her that I have childlike joy (my first thought was, "Oh yeah. I want to hear something new. I hear that ALL the time. Everyone tells me that and it drives me crazy because that's all I ever hear!") But then Selena went on to say that I make God laugh, that He thinks I am so funny and that I bring Him such joy and laughter. "Whaaaattt?? Me? My Father thinks I am funny?" It made me think of the night before when our whole squad went out to have a fun time that Phillip, a team mate, and I went around and licked people's elbows (You try to lick people's elbows [their weenus] and they usually can't feel it if you get it in the sweet spot). So we went around the whole squad and made it into a game to see how many people we could get and it was just so funny. People would sometimes feel and so you just run off and hide! So anyways, that's what I thought of. God thinks I am so funny and it brings Him such joy and laughter! Wow!! So Selena then went on to tell me that my voice has power, it is not to be passed over. That my voice brings life and joy and power to people; it breaks chains and bondage. I could not believe that all the lies I believed were being broken and just confirmed again after hearing what the Lord told me. I am so thankful for my tattoo because it is such Truth. So after Selena talked to me, she asked me what the Lord was telling me. I replied, "I have authority." She told me to yell it out to the room. I didn't think twice, I yelled out, "I HAVE AUTHORITY!!" I am breaking that wall of fear, I am breaking through the lies. I have a voice, and in that voice is authority. Selena then said, "Say it to me." "YOU HAVE AUTHORITY." "No dear, say it to me." Oh. The whole room was laughing so hard. I just fell over laughing. I was so embarrassed, but hey, it brought laughter to me, the room and to God. 🙂 So I yelled it out again, "I HAVE AUTHORITY." She then told me to keep yelling it out until I believed it because it also broke chains for other squad mates. So I did.
It was so freeing! I was speaking Truth and breaking down walls. It was incredible!
So, then later, I went to the room we are staying in and just laid on the bed and was so giddy the rest of the day because I bring God laughter and joy and I was just completely romanced by Him. I have a voice! I have freedom in that! There was joy!
The second day I was in Thailand, I got a tattoo and it was just really powerful and how confirming these past 2 months have been, especially this week. Only because the tattoo I got was:
