This month was one of the harder months. I am thankful for it, though, especially now that it is over.
It was a month where I realized that there were only two months left and that living in America was becoming more of a reality than a dream. I started to daydream about what life could be like and the daily activity of life. I could only dream of what I knew of what life was like before I left in July. I knew that it would be easy to fit into a mold of who I was and not who I became.
That is where the trouble began. I began to slip into my old me. It happened all too quickly.
It took me 3 weeks of fighting to find my independency again. I withdrew from the team. I spent my free time alone. I talked to my family at home more than I talked to my family that I have spent every day with for the past 7 months. I refused to share my heart. I did not have much feedback for anyone because I didn’t spend enough time with them to see how they could grow more in Christ.
This left me feeling frustrated most of the time because I did not realize what was happening to me. I was annoyed with what teammates were doing because my expectations of what I thought their growth should look like by Month 10 was not happening. I was angry. I was keeping it to myself.
I was trying to love out of my own strength. I was trying to be joyful out of my own joyful heart. I was trying. I was failing.
I questioned this over and over. Why am I not able to love the community I am living with? Why am I not able to serve them with a joyful heart? Why am I not happy or joyful anymore?
It was not until a week before we left Liepaja when I realized what was going on. I was trying to do everything out of my own strength. I was so focused on what home would look like and knowing what I know of home, I was becoming who I used to be. I was working on becoming independent and not depending on the Body around me to help and support me. I took it as far as acting out that I did not need God anymore. I was trying to do everything out of my own power.
Oh dear.
That was a really neat lesson because even though it was a huge struggle, the Lord was gracious enough to quickly draw me back to Him. I am so thankful because it really showed me how life in America could have been. I could have quickly forgotten all about this life changing time for the past 11 months and fit back into the mold because it is the easier thing to do and I don’t want to disturb the peace. Who am I kidding? What will this time of the Lord teaching and disciplining me have been for?
I don’t want to throw any of this down the drain and forget all that I have learned.
So, folks, I am letting you know that I plan on being the Kaitlyn that the Lord has been turning me into. There is still a lot of growth that is going to occur, but it is a start. I will be home in 30 days and I am excited for the challenges of this upcoming month.
I love you all.
