This Is Not Working

I don’t like it.
I don’t want it.
This is not working.
It is over.
 
I did not realize how upset I was until we were driving away.  We were headed to our new month of ministry in Arusha, Tanzania.  We were leaving Nairobi and our team leader behind.  I was now in charge.  I was leading the team to a new town, a new country and a new month. 
 
I was so insecure. 
I was filled with fear.
I had no idea on what I was doing.
 
I now understood how my team leader must have felt the first day he started leading us.
He is now on his ninth month of leading.  He must be a professional by now.  He knows how to lead.  He knows where the Lord is leading not only him, but also the team.  He listens.
 
I listen to what the Lord says, but I choose to listen when it only applies to me.  I do not know what it is like to lead five other people.  I was not feeling so secure.  I was clinging on to support from my leader.  Support from my friends.  Support from myself. 
 
I was not feeling supported.
 
I was being given advice.  I was being prayed over. 
 
I was not feeling secure.
 
As we drove away, I realized that the security system I had set up for myself was not working.  All the people I placed my security in failed me.  Not because they did so on purpose, but because they are only human.  They could not meet my needs and wants. 
 
As we drove away, I heard,
Where do you feel secure?  Is it in Me? 
 
Ouch.  It was not in the Lord.
 
I do know where I am supposed to feel secure.  I know that I am supposed to find my security completely in Him.  Why do I place security in people?  In myself?  It fails every time.  Time and time again. 
 
One night during worship I saw a picture of a feather.  I did not understand what this meant.  Looking at it now, I can see the whole picture.  I see a picture of a feather falling from the sky but there is a big eagle flying overhead.  I can feel the peace of resting in the shadow of His wings.  I can be secure in that. 
 

 
Another vision I had from this week of debrief was of a path headed down to a dark forest.  It looked terrifying because I have not been there before.  I was walking with a Man holding my hand.  I was squeezing it tightly.  He said to me, “I want you to come with me, Beloved.  We are going together.  I have already gone on this path before.  I want you to come with Me.”
 
Wherever I go, the Lord has already gone there.  There is security and peace in that.  He has already gone on the path before me, and what is even better is that He is walking there with me.  We are going together.
 
This is what the Lord says:

 
I can rest and be secure in that.